How Previous Democratic Presidents Would Fare in the 2020 'Woke' Primary

March 14, 2019

The Democratic Party is in the middle of a curious transition, not unlike the insurgent Tea Party's re-branding of the Republican Party circa 2010. It was often said that "even Ronald Reagan couldn't win the GOP nomination these days." That might be true, but it's also true that previous Democratic presidents would be considered far too problematic to win the "woke" party's nomination in 2020, as evidenced by de facto House Speaker Ilhan Omar's recent criticism of Barack Obama.

Consider the following analysis:


WHY HE'S WOKE: Half black, exotic middle name, listens to Cardi B, might be a secret Muslim

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: Half white, male, straight, more accomplished as a memoirist than as a politician, books can't be repealed — unlike most of his signature "accomplishments" in office, picked a racially problematic goofball (Joe Biden) as his VP, bailed out Wall Street, staffed his cabinet with lobbyists and banking executives, championed "conservative" health-care reform, filled out NCAA brackets while Libya and Yemen burned, put immigrant kids in cages, became addicted to drone strikes and cigarettes, caved to House Republicans, pretended to oppose gay marriage, didn't do enough to combat climate change, core convictions limited to 1) "I am right," and 2) "If I keep talking long enough, everyone will agree that I'm right," didn't take the Russia threat seriously enough, succeeded by Donald Trump, if he really is a secret Muslim why hasn't he proudly admitted it by now?

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "Cares more about basketball than the environment, and he's not even that good at the game."


WHY HE'S WOKE: Refuses to be bound by arcane outdated "traditions" (e.g., monogamy), supported his wife throughout her embarrassing failure of a presidential campaign, draft dodger, vegan

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, (very) straight, capitalist, sub-par husband, adulterer, serial predator, accused rapist, confirmed pervert, has been quoted on multiple occasions describing someone as "luckier than a dog with two dicks," creep with anger issues — like that time he went all "Grand Wizard" on Obama in 2008, signed welfare reform, facilitated the Rwandan genocide, tougher on crime than Kamala Harris, consumed by greed and hubris

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "Perversion lurks in darkness."


WHY HE'S WOKE: Casual anti-Semitism

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, straight, weakling coward (in a bad way), too tough on the Soviets, one-term failure, redneck, doesn't like abortion

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "Hands off my uterus, peanut freak."


WHY HE'S WOKE: Civil Rights Act, Medicare, kinky bathing habits

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, straight, racist, potty mouth, redneck, pervert, accelerated the War in Vietnam, gave press conferences in the nude, urinated in public, frequently involved his male member — aka "Jumbo" — in conversations with colleagues

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "We don't need another wayward Johnson in the Oval Office."


WHY HE'S WOKE: The original "White Obama," assassinated by Deep State

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, (very) straight, Catholic (eww), capitalist, adulterer, serial predator, Old Money, yacht club dandy, pill-popping pervert, too tough on the Soviets, beefed with Castro, started the War in Vietnam, family issues

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "Check your privilege, boat shoes."


WHY HE'S WOKE: Desegregated the military, created something Trump hates (NATO)

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, straight, small town hick, too tough on the Soviets, dropped the A-bomb, invaded Korea, attacked journalists

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "Murdered entire cities in their sleep. Even worse: He criticized a journalist."


WHY HE'S WOKE: New Deal, Social Security, invalid

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, straight, Old Money, probably a racist, didn't invite Jesse Owens to the White House after the Berlin Olympics, opposed anti-lynching legislation, nominated a former Ku Klux Klan member (Hugo Black) to the Supreme Court, architect of Japanese internment

ATTACK AD TAGLINE: "We need a commander in chief who will stand up to racism..."


WHY HE'S WOKE: League of Nations, academic

WHY HE'S PROBLEMATIC: White, male, straight, (very) racist, descendant of Confederate soldiers, subscribed to "Lost Cause" mythology, quoted in "The Birth of Nation," celebrated the "great Ku Klux Klan," re-segregated federal agencies — even if it meant putting black workers in cages to separate them from white colleagues, called segregation a "benefit" for blacks — "an ignorant and inferior race," unilaterally defeated a proposed amendment at the Versailles Convention to recognize racial equality, opposed black suffrage, you get the idea...