The Bissinger Stimulus

Architect of the Bissinger Stimulus
• March 27, 2013 4:24 pm


Everyone's down on best selling journalist Buzz Bissinger for baring his soul in the latest GQ. Turns out he has spent more than $600,000 on clothes—Gucci, mainly—over the last three years. Will Bunch (no relation) is typical in his mockery:

But this is all wrong! We need to think about this from a free market perspective. I've read story after story about stimulus projects that spent millions—tens of millions! Billions!—only to create 1.7 jobs (or some other fictitious, suspect number). Meanwhile, Buzz Bissinger—at a personal cost in the mid-six figures—has created* a ton of jobs all on his own.

Here are just some of the jobs that the Bissinger Stimulus created:

  • Personal shopper at Gucci, who Bissinger describes "as the Divine Stylist";
  • Another personal stylist, this one in Milan, described by Bissinger as the "Perfect Shadow";
  • Gucci's tailors got a work out during his trip to Milan; he describes being "fastidiously measured by one of Gucci's finest experts on tailoring. A second person assists him";
  • All of this is to say nothing of the workers actually assembling, by hand, Bissinger's extravagant wardrobe—that's got to be a couple of jobs, at least;
  • Bissinger seems to have dropped a small fortune propping up sex workers: "I also went to Hong Kong and Macao with some friends. We went to sex clubs, many, many sex clubs with many, many women. We became tired. Four days seemed like four years." I'll count this as five jobs. Because why not?;
  • And, of course the kicker: One rehab job created.

By my count this is at least, I dunno, a dozen jobs? For only $638,412.97? That's a steal, my friends. A total steal. The Obama administration should take lessons from this guy.

*I'm no fancy big city scientician, so it's hard for me to say if he's actually "created" these jobs or simply "extravagantly supported" them. Bear with me. This is a joke post.

Published under: Humor, Media