The Free Beacon is still considering Men of the Year nominations for 2014, but recent events have compelled us to announce the unanimous choice for our first ever Couple of the Year award: Chris Hughes and Sean Eldridge.
We believe that both men embody the spirit of American exceptionalism that has made our country the greatest in the history of the world.
Both men are living refutations of the poisonous Republican myth that, in America, hard work leads to success. Hughes, for example, has proved that massive financial success can be achieved simply by having a talented roommate at Harvard. Eldridge, on the other hand, reminds us that extraordinary wealth awaits all who are willing to marry extraordinarily wealthy people.
In 2014, both Hughes and Eldridge achieved great success in highlighting one of the most quintessentially American freedoms: the freedom to fail. In fact, their egregious failures give hope to all who harbor hopes of a more progressive future for this country. They proved that massive wealth no longer guarantees success, that even the undeserving rich can fail to achieve their goals in life.
Eldridge, for example, wanted to be a congressman. After buying a handful of mansions across New York, the wealthy couple settled on the 19th district, represented by lifelong resident and Army veteran Chris Gibson (R). Eldridge sought to secure votes by using his husband’s money to establish a modern day feudal system in the district, and donated almost $3 million to his own campaign. In the end, he came up just 30 points short. Eldridge’s defeat was a stunning victory for the American Dream.
Hughes, meanwhile, wanted to own a fancy left-wing magazine, which is why he purchased The New Republic in 2012. On Thursday, that dream died. Despite numerous warnings from the Free Beacon, most staff members only just realized that Hughes was terrible at running a magazine. Top editor Franklin Foer resigned after finding out he had already been replaced. Even the dance editor resigned. Another editor resigned while on her honeymoon in Africa. Prominent liberal Jonathan Chait penned a eulogy for the magazine. Other elite media types piled on.
What's amazing about @chrishughes is he is so arrogant in his ignorance that he has absolutely no idea that he just killed @thenewrepublic.
— Kurt Eichenwald (@kurteichenwald) December 5, 2014
Hughes, who has said he doesn’t consider to The New Republic to be a "magazine"—he prefers "digital media company"—has brought in new leadership to disrupt the hell out of some shit. In doing so, Hughes offers a stirring reminder of the importance of property rights in America. If he wishes to purchase a liberal institution with money "earned" from being Mark Zuckerberg’s roommate and subsequently burn it to the ground whilst behaving like an insufferable douche, that is his God-given right as a wealthy American.
In meeting at @TNR today, CEO Guy Vidra and Publisher Chris Hughes took no questions from staffers. Ended meeting after speaking.
— ErikWemple (@ErikWemple) December 5, 2014
We salute the happy couple for helping to restore our foundering faith in America, and hope that 2015 brings more of the same. We look forward to the day when The New Republic publishes its first fart listicle, and are excited to see which congressional seat Eldridge will run for next.
God bless these United States.
Published under: Chris Hughes , Parody , Satire , Sean Eldridge , The New Republic , Trolling