BuzzFeed, Huffington Post, and Yahoo News are among the outlets that have reported in the past week that Democratic Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar is something of a nightmare boss. These stories depict Klobuchar as "intolerably cruel," who subjects her staff to "bouts of explosive rage and regular humiliation." On one occasion, a staffer was """"accidentally"""" hit in the face with a binder thrown by Klobuchar.
Now anonymous sources have provided the Washington Free Beacon with what they claim is the employee manual for the 2020 Klobuchar presidential campaign. We cannot confirm its authenticity, but it rings true. Here it is, in full:
MORNING ROUTINE:
- When Amy comes into the office, she will request a black coffee. Amy believes that coffee naturally tastes sugary, so you should add half a packet of sugar anyway. She will tell if it's Splenda.
- There is a poncho and goggles on the coatrack outside Amy's office. Wear them when delivering the coffee.
- Amy will require you to taste the coffee before she drinks it. Your lips are not to touch the lid. This tends to mean scalding, so it's recommended you suck on ice each morning to numb your throat and tongue.
- Amy will occasionally claim that she has kidnapped your family and will harm them if she does not get her coffee within a time limit. This is almost never true.
GENERAL DECORUM:
- When entering Amy's office, you are required to give three reverences. First, when entering the room, you must give a deep bow, from the waist. Walk slowly to the middle of the room, and give a second deep bow. Finally, deep bow directly in front of her, and then back up slowly. At no point should your back face Amy.
- Do not make eye contact with Amy.
- If you accidentally make eye contact, gaze immediately at the floor and give a wide smile. Amy views the showing of teeth as a sign of submission.
- You are never to touch Amy's personage.
- Amy will sometimes summon a comely male intern to her office, ask if her skin looks smooth, and invite him to touch her hand. This is a test. Do not touch her.
- You are never to speak to Amy unless first spoken to.
- Sometimes Amy will make remarks to no one in particular such as "Will it rain today?" or "I wonder who won the game last night?" This is also a test. Do not respond to anything but direct questions.
- You are to refer to her only as "Senator." She will sometimes request you call her "Amy," but will typically forget by the next day.
- Amy has a boatswain's whistle that she will use to call you rather than using your name. Listen carefully and learn your signal.
SO YOU'VE ANGERED AMY:
- Amy's vision is based on movement. If you remain still and don't make a noise, she will eventually lose interest.
- Binders do not hurt that much if you avoid getting pegged by the corner. Staplers do hurt; those are a must-dodge. Pencils and pens aren't bad if you cover your eyes.
- Crumpled paper doesn't hurt at all, but that's usually a feint for the stapler.
- The glass bottles should be dodged, but if she breaks it into a shard on her desk, forget the rules, pray to whatever god you believe in, and run.
- The first-aid kit is taped under the table in the conference room, but do not let Amy see you using it. She thinks it breeds weakness.
- In the case of fatalities, bodies are to be tossed in Lake Superior. Always wrap the staffer in chicken wire to allow fish to feed on the body and prevent air pockets from forming.
MISCELLANEOUS:
- We don't have evidence she has the office is bugged, but always act under that assumption.
- Amy believes that "Minnesotta" is spelled with two 't's. We've found it's best to not fight her on this point.
- Amy will demand female staffers go home and change if they happen to wear the same color she did. Amy is also colorblind, so this tends to be arbitrary.
- Amy will send you phishing emails.
- Amy thinks Blockbuster is still operating. When she asks you to pick up a movie for her, purchase the DVD at a local store and place one of the Blockbuster stickers in your desk on the spine. You can keep the DVD when she asks you to return it.
- Amy will sometimes demand you rewind the DVD in front of her before returning it. Place the disc in your CD drive and make a whirring noise with your mouth.
- When transporting Amy to and from events, she will kick the back of your seat. If questioned, she will deny it. We find there is no way to prevent this.
- Do not leave campaign material lying around. On that note, do not ask about "the mountain logo," do not ask about the staffer who made it, and do not answer phone calls from his family or their private investigator.