President Joe Biden etched his name in the history books on Sunday by celebrating his 80th birthday and becoming America's first octogenarian president. The White House doesn't want you to know this because they're concerned about "storylines surrounding [Biden's] age."
Why it matters:
Sleepy Joe has exceeded the average male life expectancy in the United States by five whole years. Vice President Kamala Harris, one of the least likable and least competent politicians of her generation, would take power if tragedy were to befall the president. (Well, it's not really a tragedy if you're 80 years old, is it?) Harris becoming president would be the real tragedy. Even her former staffers are terrified at the thought of her succeeding Biden as commander in chief.
What they're saying:
The New York Times interviewed a bunch of "experts in aging" who "have not examined or treated" the president but nonetheless "agreed that Biden has a lot going in his favor." See, there's nothing to worry about!
The Democratic National Committee sent a fundraising email on Saturday urging supporters to sign a virtual birthday card for Biden to "celebrate everything he's accomplished." Alas, the email did not mention the Biden's record-breaking age (80) or the fact that becoming the oldest president history is without a doubt the most significant accomplishment of his lifelong career in politics.
BIDEN'S HISTORIC ACHIEVEMENT, BY THE NUMBERS:
Birthday: November 20, 1942
Age: 80 years
U.S. average life expectancy (male): 75.1 years
Biden's age on Inauguration Day (2025): 82.2 years
Biden's age on Inauguration Day (2029): 86.2 years
U.S. presidents that lived longer than 86 years: 7/46
Acknowledged grandchildren: Six
Heartlessly disowned grandchildren: At least one
Other countries with octogenarian leaders: Cameroon, Iran, Saudi Arabia
U.S. president when Biden was born: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died at 63)
Most prominent world leader when Biden was born: Adolf Hitler (died at 56)
Number-one song when Biden was born: "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby
Number of microwaves in existence: Zero
Biden favorability rating: 43.8 percent
Harris favorability rating: 37.8 percent
BOTTOM LINE: Our president is old AF.