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ALERT: Joe Biden Becomes First Octogenarian President in American History

Happy birthday, Sleepy Joe!

November 20, 2022

What happened:

President Joe Biden etched his name in the history books on Sunday by celebrating his 80th birthday and becoming America's first octogenarian president. The White House doesn't want you to know this because they're concerned about "storylines surrounding [Biden's] age."

Why it matters:

Sleepy Joe has exceeded the average male life expectancy in the United States by five whole years. Vice President Kamala Harris, one of the least likable and least competent politicians of her generation, would take power if tragedy were to befall the president. (Well, it's not really a tragedy if you're 80 years old, is it?) Harris becoming president would be the real tragedy. Even her former staffers are terrified at the thought of her succeeding Biden as commander in chief.

What they're saying:

The New York Times interviewed a bunch of "experts in aging" who "have not examined or treated" the president but nonetheless "agreed that Biden has a lot going in his favor." See, there's nothing to worry about!

Erasing history:

The Democratic National Committee sent a fundraising email on Saturday urging supporters to sign a virtual birthday card for Biden to "celebrate everything he's accomplished." Alas, the email did not mention the Biden's record-breaking age (80) or the fact that becoming the oldest president history is without a doubt the most significant accomplishment of his lifelong career in politics.

WATCH: Joe Biden's Senior Moment of the Week (Vol. 20)

BIDEN'S HISTORIC ACHIEVEMENT, BY THE NUMBERS:

Birthday: November 20, 1942

Age: 80 years

U.S. average life expectancy (male): 75.1 years

Biden's age on Inauguration Day (2025): 82.2 years

Biden's age on Inauguration Day (2029): 86.2 years

U.S. presidents that lived longer than 86 years: 7/46

Acknowledged grandchildren: Six

Heartlessly disowned grandchildren: At least one

Other countries with octogenarian leaders: Cameroon, Iran, Saudi Arabia

U.S. president when Biden was born: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died at 63)

Most prominent world leader when Biden was born: Adolf Hitler (died at 56)

Number-one song when Biden was born: "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby

Number of microwaves in existence: Zero

Biden favorability rating: 43.8 percent

Harris favorability rating: 37.8 percent

BOTTOM LINE: Our president is old AF.