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WHO:
- Donald J. Trump, successful businessman, COVID-19 survivor, and President of the United States.
- Joseph R. Biden, 77-year-old Democratic politician and Hunter's dad, aka "The Big Guy."
- Kristen Welker, NBC News correspondent and Germantown Friends School graduate.
WHAT:
- The final presidential debate before Election Day on Nov. 3, 2020.
WHERE:
- Belmont University in Nashville, Tenn.
WHEN:
- 9:00 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. on Thursday, Oct. 22.
WHY:
- A safe space for Joe Biden to issue a rehearsed, emotional response to allegations that Hunter Biden was selling access to his father and sharing profits with "The Big Guy."
- One last chance (perhaps) for news networks to point their cameras at Donald Trump and relive the glory days of 2016, paying tribute to the man who single-handedly revived their dying industry and inspired them to investigate powerful figures again after eight years of feckless complacency.
Frequently Asked Questions:
- How much does it cost to attend Germantown Friends School from grades K-12? ($498,700.)
- Where did Kristen Welker go to college? (Harvard.)
- Do the media have an elitism problem that pervades their coverage and inhibits their ability to relate to the vast majority of American voters? (Yes, thanks for asking.)
- Donald Trump has denounced white supremacy, so why haven't the media asked Joe Biden to denounce Satanic pedophiles? (Good question! Makes you wonder, doesn't it?)
- Speaking of pedophiles, isn't the only reason Jeffrey Epstein got arrested because a local paper in Florida started investigating his connection to one of Trump's cabinet appointees? (Yes.)
- If Hillary Clinton had won the 2016 election, would Jeffrey Epstein still be alive and free? (Definitely.)
- Why is Joe Biden even debating if Kamala Harris is going to take over as president on day one? (Good question! I guess they don't want to spoil the surprise.)
What Trump Must Do to Win:
- Hunter Biden, Hunter Biden, Hunter Biden, Hunter Biden.
- Thwart the debate commission's ability to mute his microphone.
- Contract COVID-19 again and cure himself by the end of the debate.
- Recapture the salad days of the 2016 GOP primary when the insults flowed freely and his weakling opponents like Jeb Bush and Rand Paul cowered before him, awaiting their just fates: humiliation, followed by annihilation.
- Make headlines by announcing his intention to stop faffing about and finally put Hillary Clinton in prison where she belongs.
What Biden Must Do to Win:
- Cheat.
- Amphetamines.
- Spread the ball around. He needn't do all the work to secure a victory. Let the moderator share the burden of debating Trump while he recharges and injects more amphetamines to stay alert.
- Don't say the first thing that pops into his head. Specifically: "Look, I was U.S. senator for 36 years. I didn't even make $200,000 a year. Eight years as vice president? Just $235,000 a year. It's embarrassing when all your friends are so much richer than you are. So what if Hunter helped me pocket a few million on the side? It's not like I didn't deserve it. C'mon, man."
Key Questions for Trump:
- Who is more annoying and unfair: Lesley Stahl? Or Bette Midler?
- You've denounced white supremacy. Why hasn't your opponent denounced pedophiles?
- Have you ever used a laptop? No? Doesn't that prove you're not corrupt?
- Will the Republican plan to replace Obamacare be A) great, B) really great, or C) better than anything you've ever seen?
Key Questions for Biden:
- You have repeatedly claimed to be 6' 1", but according to medical records, you're only 5' 11". Why must you continue to deny science?
- A court-ordered DNA test revealed that you are the biological grandfather of "NJR," the little boy Hunter fathered with an exotic dancer known as "Dallas." The boy deserves to be loved, and yet you refuse to acknowledge his existence. Why must you continue to deny science?
- Barack and Michelle Obama are multimillionaires. Why haven't they donated to your campaign?