EXCLUSIVE: Inside Team Biden's Secret Plan To Reclaim the Youth Vote

(Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
June 10, 2024

President Joe Biden, 81, is struggling to appeal to America's youth. Despite winning the under-30 demographic by more than 20 points in 2020, Biden is trailing former president Donald Trump among younger voters heading into the November election, according to recent polls.

Democrats are understandably panicked about these numbers, so they've done what Democrats often do when they're struggling to relate to average Americans: ask Hollywood for help. Politico reports that a Biden-aligned super PAC is planning to spend millions on "millennial and Gen Z writers, directors, and producers to help craft pro-Biden content that’s specifically engineered to sell an octogenarian candidate to typically disillusioned and hard-to-reach voters under 30."

Good luck with that!

The pro-Biden youngsters have been getting together for monthly hangs at a "loft-style conference room" in downtown Los Angeles to pitch ideas for "influencer-style ads" on social media and streaming platforms. The group, Won't PAC Down, will release its first ads in early July. Fortunately, the Washington Free Beacon has exclusively and semi-legally obtained a draft script written by the Democratic wunderkinds. Enjoy!

[Scene: Filmed in black and white, a bunch of homeless young adults in a grimy alley, living in tents. Joe Biden enters the alley, doing the "crip walk" and muttering to himself.]

Homeless Kid #1: "Hey, no cap, old man. That's a bussin' vibe. Spare a little change?"

Joe Biden: "I'll do you one better, pipsqueak. How 'bout some ice cream?"

Homeless Kid #1: "You got some ice cream? Where's it at?"

Joe Biden: "Why don't you reach your little hand into my pocket..."

[Police officer enters the scene.]

Police Officer: "What's going on here?"

Joe Biden: "Nothing. Not me. Where am I?"

Police Officer: "I was talking to the kid. Come here, you. Turn around. You're under arrest for smoking weed and failing to pay your student loans."

Homeless Kid #1: "Please, no. I can barely afford to get an abortion."

[Biden pulls out a large toy button with the words, "cancel student loans." It is sponsored by FanDuel.]

Joe Biden: "Did you say student loans? All you gotta do is press it, fam."

[The kid, still struggling with the cop, lunges free and presses the button. The scene instantly switches from black and white to color, money rains down from the sky. Rap music begins to play. All the other homeless children emerge from the tents and begin to dance, the latest move involving energetic pelvic thrusts and blank facial expressions. A large mob starts to form.]

Police Officer: "I can't breathe!"

[In the commotion a young hipster freak steals his "cancel student loans" button, which gets tossed around a few times before eventually it's caught by Homeless Kid #1. The words "student loans" have been crossed out in black marker and replaced with "the Jews." Biden looks panicked, confused.]

Homeless Kid #1: "From the river to the sea!"

Everyone else: "Palestine will be free!"

[Biden takes a long refreshing sip of Starry lemon-lime soda, his blank expression slowly turns into an elderly grin.]

Joe Biden: "Booyah! Now that's what I call democracy!"

(Drew Angerer/Getty Images)