In 2024, I watched and cheered as American students risked their lives to stand on the right side of history. They skipped meals, slept in tents, and boycotted exams. In the course of this honorable struggle, they transformed the manicured lawns of America's finest universities into moral battlegrounds, the epicenter of a globalized intifada.
The anti-Zionist resistance was emboldened by their megaphoned cries of inclusive solidarity—Fatties for Palestine, Trans Women for Palestine, Indigenous Twinks for Palestine, the list goes on and on and on. These truths we held to be self-evident: that decolonization meant more than just vibes and essays, that Zionist perfidy was a scourge upon the Earth.
Nearly two years have passed since that glorious spring, and I cannot help but notice the total lack of campus activism in response to what Columbia University professor Hamid Dabashi recently described as the "Israeli-led" riots in Iran. My regime—which funds Hamas, by the way (you're welcome)—is fighting for the same cause. We should be allies. I've worn a keffiyeh every day since before you were born. So where are my encampments? Where are my twinks and fatties?
Beloved students of America, I am not mad—just disappointed. You say you want to eradicate Zionism? So do I! You hate colonialism? Join the club! You claim to care about Islamophobia, one of the worst forms of bigotry. Why, then, do your campus buildings remain unoccupied as Zionist-backed mobs desecrate Iranian mosques, and blasphemous whores cast off their hijabs in the street? I'm starting to suspect your commitment was, in fact, entirely vibes-based.
I'll be the first to admit I am not as young and attractive as Yahya Sinwar or Yasser Arafat in his prime—peace be upon them—but what's it going to take? For Donald Trump, the president you claim to despise, to bomb my country? Newsflash: He already did. To be fair, it happened over the summer break. How will you explain your silence if he does it again? It's too cold to camp out, obviously, and the semester just started—no exams to weasel out of—but I'm begging you. Even a measly hashtag would be better than nothing: #GlobalizeTheAyatollah, #IranIsAlreadyFree, #RegimeHopeNotRegimeChange. Don't just sit there, post something!
Neutrality is not an option. On Tuesday, an anti-regime terrorist told Fox News that Trump was "the most popular person" in Iran. They are renaming streets after him in Tehran. Do these seem like the sort of people who deserve freedom? They are the moral equivalent of ICE agents wreaking havoc on our peaceful communities. Are you not outraged that your media apparatus, which whitewashed the murder of Palestinians, is treating these terrorists as victims? I don't need you to love me, I just need you to hate what Bari Weiss has done to CBS News. Is that too much to ask?
Barack Obama believed in me. He did the right thing by staying silent when the Zionists fomented riots in 2009. He gave me billions of dollars when I super-duper promised not to make nuclear weapons. Most of that money went straight to Hamas (again, you're welcome), and some of it is being used right now to put down this dastardly rebellion. Most of our surveillance equipment comes from China—Hasan Piker's favorite country. Where my Gen Z streamers at? I feel like I'm shouting into the void.
My regime welcomes support from all corners. Right-wing anti-Semites are also encouraged to speak out on our behalf as well. We're big fans of Tucker Carlson and respect his deep knowledge of our country's population. Nick Fuentes has "Twink for Iran" written all over him. Did I mention that the "protesters" are a bunch of soy cucks colluding with the same neocon cabal that took out Nicolás Maduro for opposing gay marriage? We need your help. Have the courage to stand up for what's right. Before it's too late.
As always, death to America.
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the supreme leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran. He is three years older than Joe Biden.
