Editor's note: The Washington Free Beacon is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous op-ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior intern in the Biden administration whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers. If you have a problem with that, we invite you to kindly shut the hell up and move on with your miserable lives.
President Joe Biden is facing a test unlike any faced by a modern American leader. Many of his fellow Democrats want him to end his reelection bid for the good of the country. Most voters think he's too old and cognitively impaired to serve another four-year term as president. Here's the truth: So do many of the senior officials and hardworking White House interns who have witnessed firsthand the alarming degree of Mr. Biden's mental and physical degeneration.
I would know. I am one of them.
We, the courageous members of the anti-Biden "resistance," have several things in common. We were privately educated at America's most exclusive universities and prep schools. We believe Donald Trump is an existential threat to our cherished democracy, and an imminent threat to our physical safety. We have all been in therapy since Nov. 9, 2016. The things we've seen would haunt your dreams.
[The author of this op-ed will publish a book in November 2024 titled Resist We Much.]
In my role as senior White House intern, I've spent countless hours babysitting Hunter Biden in the Oval Office, watching him lounge on the sofa, barefoot and shirtless, ripping cigs and pounding Nicorette, mumbling to himself about "that stuck-up bitch" Malia Obama and her mom's "gorilla arms." He goes to the bathroom every 20 minutes or so. We're not allowed to follow him or ask what he's doing in there.
This is usually the most peaceful part of the day, until a half-dressed Joe Biden wanders in and starts ranting about some long-dead European diplomat. Dr. Jill Biden, Ed.D., follows close behind, threatening to withhold the president's afternoon ice cream snack if he doesn't let her finish buttoning his shirt and tying his shoelaces.
Mr. Biden usually calms down once the Parkinson's nurse drops by for a checkup, and lets him play with "Jackie," a customized American Girl doll with real human hair. He could sit there and smell that doll for hours. Sometimes he does. The first lady makes him put the doll away during meetings in the Oval, which always start out the same. The president asks when "Barack is gonna get here," recounts the time Ted Kennedy got kicked out of the Playboy Mansion in 1978, and then asks his secretary to set up a meeting with Kennedy, who died in 2009.
During a particularly contentious Oval Office meeting to discuss the fallout from the debate, Mr. Biden threatened to "wallop" a fellow intern who was simply reading aloud social media posts from Democrats urging the president to step aside. "I could literally end your life, pal," the president said, punctuating his tirade with an obscure racial slur that dates back to 18th century Ireland. Dr. Jill interrupted and said it was time for Hunter to brief attendees on the state of the election.
The first son urged Democrats to "stop bickering amongst ourselves" and "lean into the UFO thing." Citing his independent research on alternative sexual lifestyles, Hunter suggested that a "tasteful three-way" with Dr. Jill and a local stripper could boost the president's reputation among Boomer hippies and Gen Z non-voters. This came as a shock to the White House staffers in the room, who have repeatedly discussed our view that Mr. Biden lacks the capacity to consent to sex.
About halfway through Hunter's presentation, Mr. Biden took a phone call and spoke at length about the war in Gaza with someone he kept referring to as "mister prime minister." We all assumed it was Benjamin Netanyahu, but Secret Service ultimately traced the call to a call center selling reverse mortgages. The call ended, and Mr. Biden asked again about Barack Obama's whereabouts. "We should wait for the president," he said. "Putin just invaded Russia, folks. The Shah is fuming. Put the nukes on high alert, and get me General Schwarzkopf on the secure line."
The meeting ended, as they often do, when the president took his shoes off and fell asleep under the Resolute desk. Obama never showed, obviously. Last we heard he was kite surfing with Drake in the Bahamas. As far as we could tell, the consensus among senior staff and family members was that that Mr. Biden would stay in the race because he'd earned the right to try his best. At the very least, Dr. Jill suggested, he would keep running until after the Better Homes & Gardens photoshoot in early August.
All told, it's a terrifying situation for anyone who believes in the sanctity of American democracy. Most of us have been willing to speak out anonymously after the debate, but doing so publicly just isn't worth the risk to our future careers as lobbyists and corporate consultants. We've done our part, now it's time for other people to step up to the plate and do something. Whatever that may be.