Election Day finally happened on Tuesday, but as of Wednesday most of the key races remained too close to call. The lack of clarity, however, does not preclude an advanced analysis of the partial results. Even with many votes left to be counted, the election has already produced a number of clear winners and pathetic losers. Scroll down to learn more.
BIGGEST WINNERS
1) Donald Trump
The biggest winner of Election Night, by far. If he wins, he'll Make American Great Again, Again. If he loses, he will have already accomplished his goal of becoming the most famous person on Earth, as well as president of the United States. He will have achieved an unprecedented level of success in just a single term in office and will go down in history as one of the most illustrious leaders of the modern era. Plus, he's still the frontrunner in 2024. Either way, mission accomplished!
2) Mitch McConnell
Just days after quarterbacking the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, the Senate majority leader dominated his Democratic challenger, Amy McGrath, who raised tens of millions of dollars from liberal donors who apparently hate money almost as much as they hate Mitch McConnell. Regardless of who wins the presidency, it is now increasingly likely that Republicans will retain control of the Senate, where McConnell's benevolent reign of terror can proceed apace.
3) Racial Diversity
Millions of Hispanics were instantly reclassified as "white," mostly by aggrieved libs, after it became clear that Trump would increase his share of the Hispanic vote significantly compared with 2016. The president also managed to win a larger percentage of the non-white vote than any Republican candidate since 1960. That's great news for Americans who value racial diversity but bad news for the "woke" libs who favor racial division. Barack Obama promised to promote racial harmony; Trump has actually done it.
4) Law and Order
At least in the short term. Trump's failure to secure a decisive win on Election Night means that Antifa thugs have temporarily postponed their plans to desecrate America's cities in "protest" against his reelection. That's a good thing. Trump could still win, so it's probably best to keep those storefronts boarded up a little longer just to be safe.
5) Hillary Clinton
Joe Biden couldn't deliver an overwhelming victory—as foretold by the "experts." He could still lose. That's great news for Hillary Clinton, whose 2016 loss to Trump was assessed by many to be the result of her unique deficiencies as a candidate and as a human being. The 2020 results suggest perhaps the Democratic Party's unique deficiencies as a political organization are to blame. Congrats!
BIGGEST LOSERS
1) The Libs
They are going to be so owned if Trump wins. Even if he doesn't, this was not the overwhelming repudiation they would have liked. If Republicans hold the Senate, that means at least two more years of Mitch McConnell confirming judges on the reg, and absolutely no chance of any radical structural reforms being enacted.
2) The Experts
The polling in 2016 was way off. In an effort to correct those mistakes, professional pollsters ruthlessly scrutinized their methodologies and made the necessary changes. That's what they told us, anyway. At this point, we should consider the possibility that these so-called "experts" really have no idea what they're doing. This year's polls were even less accurate than in 2016. Congrats!
3) Lincoln Project Donors
They gave millions of dollars to a bunch of ex-GOP grifters who wooed them with their "edgy" ad campaigns, and promised to make a difference by taking down Trump's "enablers" in the Senate. The grifters are laughing all the way to the bank, while Mitch McConnell, Joni Ernst, Susan Collins, Lindsey Graham, and (probably) Thom Tillis are laughing all the way to the Senate.
4) Court Packers
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. See winner #2.
5) Race Hucksters
See winner #3 above. Trump's growing support among minority voters ought to raise serious questions about whether the Democratic Party's race-obsessed "woke" rhetoric is little more than a masturbatory dog whistle for educated white liberals. Using the word "Latinx," which most actual Hispanics have never heard, might impress the New York Times editorial board, but it doesn't bring voters to the polls.