Clinton Speech Cited as Potential Cure for Insomnia

Strategists hope boring audiences with platitudes will lead to electoral success

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Americans suffering from sleep disorders said they experienced feelings of relief, hope, and anticipation after watching Hillary Clinton’s address today to the American Jewish Committee’s annual forum.

“I’ve tried medications, herbal supplements, all kinds of different pills, even meditation to get to sleep,” said one participant who asked that his name be withheld, citing medical privacy. “But five minutes into Hillary’s speech and I was feeling more relaxed than I have in years. As she transitioned from talking about her support for democracy to her support for peace, I fell into a deep, restful slumber.”

Other attendees shared similar reactions to the former secretary of state’s monotonous delivery and her insight that leadership requires making hard choices. “I’ve been using a rainforest soundtrack of leaves rustling in the breeze and the distant sound of songbirds to get to sleep at night” said one. “But now I have something new and better to listen to.”

Political insiders surveyed by the Washington Free Beacon are unsure how the undeclared presidential candidate’s strategy of tapping into the political sub-group of insomniacs may play in the election.

“One out of three people will have insomnia at some point in their lives” observed a Democratic pollster. “Hillary is clearly approaching her potential campaign with a spirit of innovation. The upside of the insomnia strategy is that her campaign could redraw the electoral map. The downside is that tens of millions of her strongest supporters could be fast asleep on election day.”

Jewish community leaders were also struck by Clinton’s innovative approach of stringing together comments on world affairs so banal they wouldn’t qualify as a TED Talk.

“In 35 years of working in the community I have never witnessed a politician able to quiet the quarrelsome Jews. But today, that’s exactly what I saw. Because even Jews have to stop talking when they’re asleep,” one Jewish leader said.

Several Republicans reacted with concern to Clinton’s new strategy.

“In the past, we’ve never thought about campaigning like this—that a candidate can succeed by giving speeches as devoid of substance as a children’s show, and delivered with the panache of a tranquilized sloth,” said a conservative consultant who has advised several presidential campaigns. “But in our smartphone-driven era, more and more people feel that they need something to help them tune out and relax, and Clinton is clearly tapping into that sentiment.”

As Clinton wrapped up her speech this morning—observing that diplomacy is tough but necessary work and involves long phone calls and meetings with other diplomats—a soft snoring emanated from the conferencegoers. Hillary supporters said they believed this was “the sound of victory.”