The Joe Biden Express is about to leave the station, folks. With insurgent candidate Deez Nuts unlikely even to get his name on the ballot due to the fact that he is actually a 15-year-old bro from Iowa, a Biden presidency remains America's last, best hope. After formally announcing his candidacy, Scranton Joe will embark on a whirlwind campaign tour, the Free Beacon can reveal:
1. White House Oval Office, Washington, D.C.
The vice president will take questions from reporters at one of the most storied venues in our nation's capital and site of one of the most scandalous sexual indiscretions in American history.
2. Fort Mercy Park, Fairfax, Virginia
Biden will host a squirt gun fight in the federal park where longtime Clinton associate and deputy White House counsel Vince Foster committed "suicide."
3. Norristown, Pennsylvania
The veep will hold a rally outside the Montgomery County courthouse where former Hillary Clinton campaign aide Kathleen Kane is facing charges of perjury and unlawfully leaking grand jury material to the press.
4. Otisville, New York
Biden will give a speech on prison reform in the parking lot of the federal corrections facility where Clinton megadonor Hassan Nemazee is serving a 12-year sentence for defrauding banks to the tune of nearly $300 million.
5. Milan, Michigan
Biden will serve ice cream in view of the federal corrections facility where former Clinton campaign fundraiser Norman Hsu is serving a 24-year sentence for running a Ponzi scheme.
6. Denver, Colorado
The vice president will visit the headquarters of Platte River Networks, the sketchy IT firm Hillary Clinton hired to set up the controversial "home brew" email server that she used to handle classified information and later wiped clean "with a cloth." He will hold a brief press conference in the bathroom closet where the company housed its servers.
7. Flippin, Arkansas
The candidate and his campaign staff will host a cornhole toss on the shores of the White River, site of the Whitewater Development Corporation, one of Hillary Clinton's most controversial failed business ventures.
8. Mena, Arkansas
Biden will parachute onto the remote airstrip where the CIA is alleged to have coordinated shipments of drugs and military equipment during Bill Clinton's tenure as governor.
9. Palm Beach, Florida
The vice president will attend a sleepover event in the cell where Clinton associate and registered sex offender Jeffrey Epstein stayed while serving 18 months for soliciting an underage prostitute. Florida is a crucial swing state.
10. "Orgy Island," U.S. Virgin Islands
The candidate will travel by speedboat to Epstein's private island affectionately known by locals as "orgy island." Epstein often traveled there aboard his private jet, the "Lolita Express," on which Bill Clinton was a frequent passenger.
A number of Biden's early campaign events will take place outside the country, the Washington Free Beacon has learned:
11. Lucerne, Switzerland
The veep will tour the home of American fugitive Marc Rich, who once appeared alongside Osama bin Laden on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list for tax evasions and illegal dealings with Iran. Bill Clinton pardoned Rich on his last day in office after Rich's wife, Denise, made significant contributions to the Democratic Party and the Clinton Presidential Library.
12. Tuzla, Bosnia
Biden will host a laser tag bonanza in the Bosnian town where then-First Lady Hillary Clinton landed under "sniper fire" in 1996.
13. Benghazi, Libya
You know why.
14. Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei
The vice president will give a PowerPoint presentation in support of women's rights to protest the Sultan of Brunei, a longtime Clinton supporter, and the government's imposition of shariah law. Like Epstein, the Sultan is fond of underage girls.
Deal with it.
