Satire

The Multi-Talented Ms. Abrams

Can the failed gubernatorial candidate strong-arm Joe Biden into tapping her for VP?

Most politicians in the running to join a presidential ticket as the VP candidate are inclined to stay silent, change the subject, or simply express their humility at the thought of being considered. Stacey Abrams isn't most politicians.

"I would be an excellent running mate," Abrams said in a recent interview with Elle magazine, citing her "strong history of executive and management experience," as well as her "25 years in independent study of foreign policy."

As soon as it became clear that former vice president Joe Biden would be the Democratic Party's nominee for president, Abrams embarked on a media tour to make the case for why Stacey Abrams, a woman of extraordinary talents and independently attained expertise, should be Biden's running mate.

Asked on Morning Joe if she agreed with her previous assessment that Stacey Abrams would make an excellent running mate, Abrams affirmed she was indeed correct. "Absolutely," she said. "This is a question of competency, of skills, and of understanding the intricate nature of our federal, state, and local governments."

Abrams elaborated in an interview with FiveThirtyEight, describing Abrams as "a very accomplished person who has experience on a realm of issues and has the capacity to do this job [of vice president]." Abrams added that in her own "very pragmatic" assessment, Abrams would be elected president within 20 years.

Abrams, whose experience includes declaring herself the governor of Georgia despite not winning the state's gubernatorial election in 2018, told the New York Times that her life "has always been about making certain I accrue the skills necessary to make my ambitions real," even if reality gets in the way.

The failed candidate has claimed, for example, that she isn't actively seeking the Democratic vice presidential nomination despite all evidence to the contrary. "I would be honored to be on the campaign trail as a running mate, but that is a process that you can't campaign for, and I'm not campaigning for it," she told the Obama bros on "Pod Save America."

During an appearance on Wednesday's episode of The View, Abrams touted herself as the leading "hype man" for Stacey Abrams and agreed with the hosts that she would make an excellent running mate, describing herself as someone who would be "very effective at helping us restore the dignity and the soul of [America]."

Abrams dismissed her lack of (any) national experience by arguing that such experience "can be measured in multiple ways," presumably by taking into account one's devotion to the "independent study" of national and international issues. Abrams, for example, has touted her credentials as an eccentric genius on par with the world's greatest scientific minds.

"If you Googled my name, the first thing that came up was that I'd written an article at the age of 17 on Mesopotamian astronomy," said Abrams, who has authored eight romance novels under the pen name "Selena Montgomery," in an interview with Rolling Stone. "Both I and my publisher were concerned that people would not want to buy a [romance] book written by, well, not Neil deGrasse Tyson, but basically by Stephen Hawking."

On matters of foreign policy, Abrams has insisted she has the necessary experience. Though conceding she has "never negotiated a treaty," Abrams touted herself as "a lifetime member of the Council on Foreign Relations," a think tank headquartered on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.

"The truth of the matter is what we want is capacity," Abrams said during her appearance on The View on Wednesday, adding, "They want competence, and we want skills." She went on to suggest that Democratic voters want a woman of color on the ticket, though polls suggest that the only Democrats who really care about this are white liberals.

Abrams expressed "concern" about the possibility that Biden would not make the "smart choice" by picking an accomplished woman of color such as Stacey Abrams. "We need a ticket that reflects the diversity of America," she said.

Biden's capacity to make a "smart choice" is somewhat in doubt, given the noticeable decline in his cognitive functioning, but his selection of a running mate will be of far greater significance than usual. The vice presidential nominee on the Democratic ticket this cycle could very well be the one who takes the oath of office in 2021. Stacey Abrams would like us all to know there isn't a single person better suited to the task than Stacey Abrams.