The New York Times has spent the last eight months looking for a journalist to cover the "right wing media" for the flagship publication—someone with the "backbone to withstand aggressive blowback" and a talent for reporting "accurately, critically, and fairly on people with extremist views."
Puck reports that the paper is "close" to making an announcement naming the new hire. Fortunately for our readers, the Washington Free Beacon has obtained and reviewed a list of 11 finalists for the Times position. Who do you think should get the job?
The disgraced journalist is leaving CNN after 20 years and presumably needs a job. His disgraced former boss Jeff Zucker gave him a second chance after Toobin was caught masturbating in front of colleagues on a Zoom call. Alas, Zucker was forced out in February for hiding a romantic relationship with another senior CNN executive. Toobin specializes in so-called legal analysis but has plenty of relevant experience given that CNN devotes most of its airtime to discussing Fox News. His intimate familiarity with the thorny politics of abortion is a plus.
Another disgraced journalist in need of a job. The Washington Post fired Sonmez in June after she wouldn't stop trashing her colleagues on social media and accusing the Post of promoting toxic misogyny. She is fighting to get her job back after unsuccessfully suing the paper for discrimination prior to her termination. What better way to annoy a rival publication than by hiring a disgruntled ex-employee?
The Guy Who Stabbed Salman Rushdie
When it comes to critiquing individuals who, in his view, hold "extremist views," 24-year-old self-starter Hadi Matar has shown real initiative even if he doesn't always finish the job. Might not be available to start until 2047.
Covered the conservative movement for the Washington Post before resigning in disgrace in 2010. Weigel and others came under fire in response to leaked emails from a secret listserv used by left-wing journalists to coordinate coverage and trash Republicans. The Post rehired him in 2015 and recently suspended him for retweeting a joke that offended Sonmez, his then-colleague. Alas, his decision to delete and apologize for retweeting the joke suggests he might not have the "backbone" for the job.
The most talented member of the Reliable Sources crew, Albert belongs to CNN's Oliver Darcy, the Robin to Brian Stelter's Batman. Both journalists might lose their jobs as the network's new leadership seeks to transition away from hysterical whining about Fox News, but Albert has the looks and the personality to succeed in the business. He would bring some much-needed diversity to the Times newsroom.
John Hinckley Jr.
Not as young as Hadi Matar, but more prolific. Loves a good hit job on crazy right-wingers and has a history of obsessive fixation. Hinckley has demonstrated tremendous patience over the years and a talent for artistic expression. The Times might even get a tax credit for hiring an ex-con.
Markay left the Washington Free Beacon in 2017 to pursue a career in violent left-wing activism. A confirmed member of the so-called Anti-Fascist movement (Antifa), the filthy journalist worked for the Daily Beast before moving on to Axios, a short-form news blog for white-collar criminals.
An experienced journalist with a disgraceful past and knack for incoherent yelling, the prevailing tone of most columns published in the Times opinion section. Matthews could serve as a mentor to younger journalists—the male ones, anyway. Hiring the seasoned hack would send a powerful message, echoed by the Post, that the patriarchy is making a comeback.
An experienced author-journalist who made $600,000 per year as a "special correspondent" for NBC News. A respected media outlet wouldn't fork over that kind of cash unless Chelsea was extremely talented.
The intellectual force behind the controversial and historically inaccurate 1619 Project is technically already employed by the Times. She just hasn't published anything under her byline since June 2020. What's the harm in giving her another title?
Not really. The Times will never hire her and Lorenz has made clear that she hated working there. The notorious meme journalist, who certainly does not possess the "backbone to withstand aggressive blowback," recently suggested she left the Times for the Washington Post to focus on cultivating her "brand." Lorenz reportedly called Times reporter Maggie Haberman a "bitch" for complaining about her obsession with a 15-year-old girl's social media posts. It would never work out.
Published under: New York Times