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GUEST COLUMN: I’m So Sorry This Is Happening to You, Matt

Rep. Matt Gaetz (R., Fla.) / Getty Images
• April 1, 2021 1:30 pm

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Dear Matt,

I hope this column finds you well and rested. I'm sorry we weren't able to connect during your trip to Wyoming in January, and I was sad to learn that your campaign to remove me from House Republican leadership was overwhelmingly defeated.

The truth is I'm ashamed at having waited so long to reach out. I've been a bad colleague and a bad friend. In light of recent developments, I wanted to extend my heartfelt condolences and offer you a shoulder to cry on, given your well-established reputation for having the emotional fortitude of a teenaged girl.

(Forgive me, that was a poor choice of words under the circumstances.)

In all seriousness, I am so sorry this is happening to you, Matt. I was devastated to learn you are the subject of a federal sex trafficking investigation involving "at least one" underage girl. That doesn't sound like you. I heard you were interested in college girls, and most of us in the GOP conference had always assumed you swung the other way.

At least now you know why former attorney general Bill Barr was avoiding you in the final months of Donald Trump's presidency. It wasn't because of your weird face, or the creepy "Florida Man" vibe. At least those weren't the only reasons. I hope this realization helps you find solace in this difficult time.

I'm sure you must be disappointed that only two of our House Republican colleagues have bothered to defend you against these troubling allegations. Don't be discouraged, Matt. As you are well aware, given your preferences regarding age, sometimes less is more. With friends like Jim Jordan and Marjorie Taylor Greene in your corner, what could go wrong?

Above all, don't be ashamed to cry. I would simply suggest you remove all the makeup before letting it out, if you don't want to make a mess. As a Cheney, I have no personal experience with being a wuss, but I know how much you admire Trump's seasoned flair for the liberal application of facial bronzer.

Your career in Congress might be over, but there's no need to despair. So what if Fox News went out of its way to declare it has "no interest" in hiring you? You'll have plenty of other opportunities. For example, you have the physical and moral attributes of someone who could make a killing selling reverse mortgages to dementia patients.

Once again, I am so sorry this is happening to you, Matt. I'm here for you. My father is watching over you. He knows what it's like to be despised by the liberal media. Even though your life will never be important enough to be the subject of an award-winning film, you are going to do just fine. You might even get rich. But please, for the love of God, don't spend it all on condoms.

Warmest regards,

Representative Liz Cheney (R., Wyo.)