Satire

TREND ALERT: Lib Journos Can’t Stop Breaking Stuff

Could this explain their reluctance to condemn riots?

The Atlantic has stumbled upon a curious non-viral epidemic plaguing the liberal community in the age of COVID-19. In a piece headlined, "Everyone I Know Keeps Breaking Things," staff writer Amanda Mull argues that, among her friends and followers, reported instances of bumbling behavior are "so common that they seem as if they might be part of a pattern instead of just random acts of clumsiness."

For example:

Every time I complained to someone about denting, cracking, or obliterating another object, they chimed in with their own recent examples. One had smashed his phone screen on two separate occasions. Another, along with his wife, broke four wine glasses in the space of two months. A co-worker broke a window trying to open it, scared herself, and jumped back into a mirror, breaking it as well. Whether these people were working from home or spending more time there because they’d been laid off, spilled Tupperware and bruised knees abounded.

Yet this mysterious outbreak of clumsiness appears to be most prevalent—if not exclusively so—among liberal journalists. Might this explain their reluctance to condemn the looting and rioting that has consumed some parts of the country? Perhaps living amongst shattered glass in their journo apartments has led them to suspect local shopkeepers of blaming peaceful protesters for damage that was self-inflicted.

A brief scientific survey of non-libs and normal citizens turned up zero cases of this strange affliction. Meanwhile, the popular social networking website Twitter was awash in examples of lib journos documenting their symptoms. Many expressed relief at the thought of no longer having to suffer alone.

https://twitter.com/lilyburana/status/1299408321481519104

https://twitter.com/stephemays/status/1299391098729771008

https://twitter.com/JacquiPalumbo/status/1299332076307652615

Could this peculiar affliction be related somehow to the epidemic of getting stuck in elevators that devastated the conservative journalism community in 2016?  We may never know.