Satire

AMERICAN HEROES: A Grateful Nation Salutes Doctors on Front Lines of This Invisible War

Even in this time of crisis caused by China, the American people have many reasons to be grateful. First and foremost, the steadfast wartime leadership of President Donald J. Trump continues to transcend conventional definitions of the word "genius." Secondly, the might of the American military continues to keep us safe from terrorists.

Thirdly, it is worth honoring the contributions of our nation's doctors in combating the coronavirus pandemic. They have answered the call of duty and risen to the challenge of these unique circumstances. They are out there every day, fighting on the front lines against an invisible enemy. As if they hadn't already sacrificed enough to earn their degrees, our doctors continue to sacrifice for the good of mankind. We owe them a tremendous debt of gratitude.

Dr. Peter Navarro, for example, has played a key role in President Trump's war on the coronavirus. His mastery of scientific data has restored our faith in government bureaucrats, while his charming demeanor has given us the hope we'll need to endure this ruthless pandemic.

Dr. Sebastian Gorka has recorded dozens of podcasts since the virus reached our shores. The soothing baritone timbre of his voice has calmed the nerves of millions. While some panicked, Gorka calmly promoted the astonishing healing qualities of dietary supplements such as Relief Factor, a "powerful combination of all botanical and fish oil ingredients which support a healthy response to fight aches and pain." His actions have undoubtedly saved many thousands of lives that would otherwise have been lost to the China plague.

We may never know the full extent of the sacrifices Dr. Jill Biden has had to make during this crisis. Her efforts to keep her doddering husband alive and functioning in their basement—pointing him toward the camera, wiping the drool from his chin, cutting the crust off his jelly sandwiches—are certainly worthy of our admiration.

Sleep must be hard for Dr. Jill to come by these days, which is presumably why she can't remember how many grandchildren she has. But that's okay. She may be the only thing standing between the American people and the socialist hellscape Bernie Sanders would inflict on this country if given the chance.

Godspeed, doctor.