Note: The Washington Free Beacon is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a high-ranking professional racist whose identity has not been verified. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important perspective to our readers.
The New York Times has finally canceled the Hawaiian shirt after learning about its secret connection to racism. It's something experienced racists like myself have known for quite some time, but the media are starting to catch on. CNN, for example, recently published an investigation into "Everyday words and phrases that have racist connotations," which is reasonably accurate. The Masters tournament at Augusta National has nothing to do with being a "master" at golf, if you know what I'm saying.
The same goes for the "master bedroom" in your house. CNN was unable to determine "whether the term is rooted in American slavery on plantations," but I'm here to tell you that all bedrooms are, in fact, racist. In addition to being constructed out of walls—one of the main things we racists like about President Trump—bedrooms are where some of America's most prominent racists have died, leaving behind racist legacies. Andrew Jackson, Ulysses S. Grant, and Franklin D. Roosevelt, for example.
Terms such as "blacklist" and "blackball" are obviously racist as well. CNN explains that even though there's no evidence to support this claim, "some argue" that these terms are "subconsciously racialized." Contrary to popular belief, racists are suckers for subtlety, which is why we decided to adopt the "OK" symbol as the modern-day version of the antiquated, ostentatious Nazi salute.
In the interest of public edification, I will utilize my expert perspective to highlight some other seemingly innocuous things that are of great significance to the pro-racism community.
Traffic Signals
For proponents of racism and the patriarchy, forcing people of all colors to wait for the "little white man" to cross the street is one of our proudest achievements.
Bicycles
Invented in Germany in the 19th century, the bicycle, aka "dandy horse," was the preferred means of transportation among former Confederate soldiers, including John Wilkes Booth, who rode a high-wheeled penny-farthing to Ford's Theater on April 14, 1865.
Supporting Free Speech
Free speech means the right to be racist without fear of government reprisal. Racists like myself enthusiastically endorse the Harper's letter "on open justice and debate," and would have signed if asked.
"Duck Face"
Originally coined as "cuck face" by white nationalist Richard Spencer while attending Duke University in 2007, the phrase was modified years later in an effort to infiltrate mainstream culture. Mission accomplished!
Brunch
This popular urban ritual, which originated in the British Empire at the height of its power in the late 19th century, didn't catch on in America until the 1920s. President Woodrow Wilson, a renowned racist, was the first U.S. leader to serve brunch at the White House in honor of D.W. Griffith, director of The Birth of a Nation.
Criticizing the President
Those who support "free speech" are typically inclined to support an individual's right to criticize our elected leaders. Anyone tempted to criticize President Trump should consider the fact that one of the most prominent presidential critics of all time—John Wilkes Booth—was a racist.
Canceling the Confederacy
Real, hardcore racists know that the Confederacy was decadent and corrupt. We wholeheartedly support efforts to tear down monuments to this failed rebel nation and its half-hearted attempt to promote white supremacy. Robert E. Lee, the so-called "hero" of the Confederacy, was a coward who didn't have what it takes to win. Good riddance!
Anti-Semitism
Often overlooked and increasingly acceptable in our "woke" modern age, anti-Semitism is actually a form of racism. One of the oldest forms, in fact. It's really popular among racists, and we are more than happy to see it embraced by Louis Farrakhan and our former allies in the Democratic Party.