After four dogged years of relentless profiteering off the global pandemic of Trump Derangement Syndrome, Jeffrey Preston Bezos, owner of the Washington Post, finally became the richest man in the world in 2021.
Not unlike the grifting perverts who run the Lincoln Project, Bezos enhanced his "generational wealth" in multiples by selling subscriptions of his daily blog to vengeance craving liberals obsessed with the daily comings and goings of the great American president, Donald J. Trump.
Sadly though, as Bezos's fortune grew, his home life deteriorated. In 2018, Jeff's wife left their union and took over 50 billion of Jeff's hard-earned lib bucks with her.
Jeff Bezos may be the richest man in the world, he may be able to buy all the news, both real and fake—but if 2021 proved anything, it's that even the richest man in the world cannot buy the one thing every American alpha-male wants: being named Washington Free Beacon's Man of the Year.
Not this year, Mr. Bezos, and unless you decide to buy us, NOT EVER.*
The Washington Free Beacon's Man of the Year award is not venal. It is earned. This year's winner is a real public servant. A teacher, in fact. A man who spent decades toiling away in the Seattle Lakeside School's classrooms, educating our future leaders and also interacting with their parents to foster a better working relationship.
Our Man of the Year is not famous like Jeff Bezos, he is not particularly strong, nor is he an athlete of superior skill. He did not invent the internet, or create fake news, nor did he need to build his own private rocketship to tour the heavens.
Our Man of the Year had the only space probe he would need, flying in his pants all along.
A probe he flew straight to the heart of his new bride, the comely, ravishing, and outrageously rich, MacKenzie Scott, aka the former Mrs. Jeff Bezos.
Dan Jewett is America's newest deca-billionaire. And he built his fortune the old fashioned way: He let someone else build it and then he married it.
For teaching the science of chemistry in the classroom and mastering the art of body chemistry out of it, Dan Jewett is 2021's Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.
(*) To inquire about purchasing the Washington Free Beacon, please email firstname.lastname@example.org, ATTN: Mr. Michael Goldfarb.