Culture

2019 Man of the Year: R9X Ninja Missile

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In February 2017, a U.S. drone strike killed al Qaeda leader Abu Khayr al-Masri as he drove through northwestern Syria. Photos of al-Masri's Mitsubishi confused experts. The drone fired a missile. The missile killed the terrorist. The vehicle did not explode.

Two years later, federal officials pulled back the curtain: We had the Hellfire R9X.

Dubbed the "ninja bomb," "flying Ginsu," and "speeding anvil from the sky," the R9X is perfect for the rare occasions when you don't want to blow something to smithereens.

Armed with six extendable blades released just before impact, the R9X tears through metal and terrorist flesh without exploding, thus reducing collateral damage. The ninja bomb weighs 100 pounds and travels at 1000 miles an hour, pulverizing its prey through force of impact alone.

Since al-Masri's fortunate death, the R9X has arranged itineraries for numerous terrorists seeking express travel to Hell.

One such target, jihadi trainer Abu Ahmad al-Muhajir of the Hayat Tahrir al-Sham terrorist group, was minced by the missile just weeks ago when the R9X was dropped on his minivan in northern Syria. The flying Ginsu also claimed in January the scalp of Jamal al-Badawi, the al Qaeda jihadist behind the 2000 attack on the USS Cole.

Every time the R9X decapitates a target, enemies are reminded that the United States remains at the forefront of cutting-edge military technology. The missile will no doubt continue to eliminate our enemies, only now, it will do so as a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.