Known associates: Webb Hubble, Bill Clinton, Vince Foster, Anthony Weiner, Harvey Weinstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein
Occupation: Wife, grandmother, author, public speaker, fashion icon, email user
Background: Disgraced former first lady of Arkansas, disgraced former first lady of the United States, disgraced former U.S. senator from the state of New York, failed presidential candidate (2008 and 2016), disgraced former secretary of state under President B. Hussein Obama, and widely panned author of What Happened, a failed memoir.
Accomplishments: First woman in history to lose a presidential election to Donald Trump. Nominally married to the first president in history impeached for having sexual relations with an intern.
Hates freedom? With a passion.
Why/how? Hillary has only ever wanted two things in her entire life: 1) to get disgustingly rich and 2) to be the first woman elected president of the United States and punish her enemies with a ruthlessness never before seen in human history. She was, and perhaps still is, willing to destroy anything and everything in order to accomplish the latter. According to Hillary, a large percentage of the American population is comprised of “deplorables” who don’t deserve freedom or basic rights, such as the right to vote. She continues to assault our democracy by insisting she was the rightful winner of the 2016 election.
Claim to shame: As secretary of state, Hillary presided over the rise of the Islamic State, as well as the murder of U.S. ambassador Christopher Stevens in Benghazi, Libya. See also: “Known associates.”
Fun fact: The Washington Free Beacon accurately predicted in December 2014 that Hillary would never be president of the United States.
What’s next? Federal prison, if there’s any justice in the world.