Adam Kredo, who has been with the Washington Free Beacon since its launch in February 2012, was stripped of his lunch privileges on Thursday. From now on, he will only be allowed to consume food in his office if the door is closed, and must have all of his food choices pre-approved by Free Beacon chairman Michael Goldfarb.
His forfeiture of these privileges—granted to those who have been with the organization for at least one year and demonstrated a profound regard for American values and armed intervention—was the culmination of months of vicious rows with Goldfarb, editor Matthew Continetti, the entire Free Beacon staff, and our owners in the Taiwanese military high command.
These recently established changes to the Free Beacon newsroom environment are (literally) a breath of fresh air to all parties involved, excluding Kredo, who has repeatedly demonstrated a willful disregard for the wellbeing of his colleagues by ordering pungent, canine-based "delicacies" from food trucks with substandard sanitation ratings, and refusing to shut his office door while chowing down.
Making matters worse, Kredo would often watch the 2004 film "I Want To Strip For My Man But I Don’t Know How … Unleashing the Naughty Girl In You!" at an excruciatingly loud volume, which was still barely audible over the sound of his smacking lips.
We believe that closely policing Kredo’s eating habits will enable our plucky start-up, launched with great fanfare in 2012 as "an alternative to hackneyed spin, routine misstatements, paranoid hyperbole, and insipid folderol," to function more efficiently. As authoritarian squares, we believe stripping Kredo of his lunch privileges better allows us to pursue our mission of being mean.
Earlier this year, Sonny Bunch, Aaron MacLean, Stephanie Wang, Brent Scher, the Truth Monkey, Andrew Stiles, Ellison Barber, Elliott Schwartz, David Rutz, Elizabeth Harrington, Bill McMorris, Lachlan Markay, and CJ Ciaramella wrote a joint letter to Goldfarb to urge him to make good on his vows.
"The smell has gotten so intense that all of us have, at one point or another, experienced debilitating headaches and nausea," the letter read. "We have all personally sacrificed hours of our weekends to come into the office and deep-clean the carpets in Kredo’s office. Alas, our efforts have proved futile."
This is hardly the first time that Kredo and Free Beacon have been at odds. Many of us, and our concerned parents, have contacted Goldfarb to complain about Kredo’s penchant for discussing his obese cat’s unconventional bowel movements. Goldfarb was more than willing to hear us out, and in late 2013, the cat chat died down. As soon as it did, the foul aroma emanating from Kredo’s office grew even more pungent.
The fate of Kredo’s personal hygiene remains uncertain. The decision to deny his lunch privileges was not an easy one, though Goldfarb has handled the situation with Nixonian aplomb. The Free Beacon staff has the full confidence in our leadership, and we are disappointed that Kredo was unable to reach an understanding with the powers that be. That he might suffer to restore order is but a small price to pay. This experience has served to highlight for us the ongoing difficulty of finding the ideal model for well-funded neocon journalism.