Republicans candidates are getting ready to square off at the second Republican primary debate, which will be hosted by CNN tonight at the Reagan Library in California. It starts at 8 p.m. EST, in case you were wondering what time to tune in. All eyes will be on frontrunner Donald Trump, whose commanding lead in the polls is beginning to wane as voters have rallied behind brain surgeon Ben Carson. Jeb Bush will also be on stage.
Here are some informed predictions about what to expect at tonight's debate:
- Moderator Jake Tapper will open the debate with an awkwardly staged advertisement for Sabra hummus; all candidates will participate. Mike Huckabee will go off script in an effort to plug a "miraculous" weight loss supplement, but CNN's producers will censor his remarks and cut away to commercial (for Sabra hummus).
- Trump will supply his own (much classier) podium.
- Rick Santorum will cause a scene by rushing the stage and attempting to assemble a makeshift podium between Donald Trump and Ben Carson. "F*** Mitt Romney! I won 11 states!" he will shout repeatedly as he is hauled away by security to be beaten.
- Donald Trump will threaten to withdraw from the debate and will briefly walk off stage until CNN president Jeff Zucker agrees on-camera to donate all advertising profits to veterans groups and publicly apologizes for ignoring Trump's previous request. Scott Walker will follow Trump off stage, never to be seen again.
- Every commercial break will feature a mini-informercial with Ron Paul warning of impending global doom and promising to expose "what really happened" on 9/11. In the final spot, he will announce his candidacy for president.
- A brief physical altercation will break out between Chris Christie and John Kasich over who loves Ronald Reagan more. Christie will declare victory, but will have to withdraw from the remainder of the debate on account of being "winded."
- On more than one occasion, Trump will use the word "Reaganing" to describe himself.
- Citing "unfair questions," Trump will leave the stage midway through the debate. Following a long commercial break, Tapper will announce that Trump has agreed to take part in the remaining segments over the phone. In his absence, a "Make America Great Again" hat will be placed on his podium.
- After attempting to physically bar him from taking the stage, a group of Mike Huckabee aides will smuggle vuvuzelas into the audience and unleash a cacophonous howl every time Ted Cruz is called on to answer a question.
- Hugh Hewitt will ask Trump to name the current leader of ISIS. Trump will respond: "When I'm president, his name will be D-E-A-D, dead. Okay?" A raucous standing ovation will disrupt the proceeding for several minutes.
- John Kasich will wear a mailman's uniform, complete with satchel, from which he will produce an array of photos of him shaking hands with Ronald Reagan.
- In an effort to prove he's not "low energy," Jeb Bush will shotgun a Red Bull on stage and immediately regret doing so.
- Trump will remind viewers that Bill Clinton stole Jake Tapper's girlfriend, Monica Lewinsky.
- Rand Paul will require medical attention after falling off the booster step behind his podium. Ben Carson will rush to attend, but ultimately stand down after Trump yells out: "Let him bleed."
- Mitt Romney will sip club soda on his massive oceanfront porch in La Jolla, tracing the sun's slow descent over the horizon, and unleash a violent barrage of F-bombs for the first time in his adult life.