Earlier this year, former President Barack Obama inked a "high eight-figure deal" with Netflix to produce original content in the form of "scripted series, unscripted series, docu-series, documentaries, and features." As luck would have it, the Washington Free Beacon has exclusively obtained what appears to be a partial transcript of the first episode in this vaguely defined yet highly anticipated cinematic endeavor. It is presented below for your immediate edification.
MEDIUM / CLOSE UP SHOT – WHITE BACKGROUND – SOFT BACK LIGHTING TO CREATE AN AURA OF "SUPERNATURAL BENEVOLENCE" (PER BHO CONTRACT)
President Obama smiles, and speak directly to the camera / viewer:
"Hello! I'm Barack Obama. I'm a husband, a father, a celebrated orator, and, um, former president of the United States of America. Michelle and I, and all the folks at Netflix, are thrilled to share with you this project we've been working on for the last several months. In this first episode of Barack Obama Presents: Barack Obama's American Dream and Other Stories, we're going to hear from a number of talented, inspiring, and creative young men and women who reminded me of me by working hard every day to promote greater empathy and understanding between peoples all over the world.
But first, I'd like to say a few words about the alarming political climate we find ourselves in today, and the many challenges that lie ahead.
Now, let me be clear, I'm not here to keep score or play pundit, or political historian, especially when it comes to questions about my quote unqoute ‘legacy.' That's for the actual historians to decide. And, I think, for the most part, the best historians already agree that I haven't been given enough credit for pulling the American economy back from the brink of the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and leaving the Middle East region better than I found it, as the saying goes. But that's neither here nor there. In a way, my personal legacy is probably too grand in scope to be measured solely through the lens of history. Many of you have suggested as much in your letters.
Since leaving the White House, I've been thinking a lot about Nelson Mandela — one of the most inspirational leaders to ever walk the planet, may he rest is peace — and what it must have been like, from his perspective, to meet me for the first time. I was just a lowly U.S. Senator, albeit with much promise. My only concern back then was keeping my head down, working hard, reaching across the aisle to get things done, putting families first, fighting to improve the lives of all Americans, and promoting my second memoir.
It was 2005, and Madiba was giving a speech at the NAACP in Washington, D.C., so I stopped by his hotel with a photographer friend of mine I happened to be hanging out with that day. After exchanging pleasantries, I humbly suggested a few dozen minor edits to improve the cadence and emotional gravitas of my hero's speech. I was also eager to share with him the video of my acclaimed keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. Come to think of it, one of the biggest regrets of my presidency is that the big guy wasn't around to hear the eulogy at his funeral.
lying about my position on gay marriage, or the country where I was born, but there's actually one thing I wish I could take back. I should have never bequeathed the honor of my historic presidency upon that conniving fake nerd, Ahmed ‘Clock Boy' Mohamed. I mean, seriously, what a little jerk. ‘Cool clock,' I said. It wasn't even that cool. And of course Zuckerberg tried to get in on the action, riding my coattails, inviting the kid to visit Facebook after I'd already invited him to the White House. Has that ginger freak ever had an original idea? He'd still be a better candidate than Hillary, though. Who wouldn't? We haven't talked much since the election, Hillary and I. My speaking fee is at least double hers, and thanks to this show, so is my net worth. It must be eating her up inside.