White Man, Dark Horse
Democrats keep getting their hearts broken by youngish, charismatic white guys running for national office. By now, the pattern is familiar. The liberal establishment falls head over heels for a dreamboat candidate who just might win a challenging race, usually in a part of the country that does not resemble the places where members of the liberal establishment live. Journalists pen dozens of fawning profiles. Celebrities roll out endorsements, and perform at fundraisers. And yet, despite all the hype and mountains of cash, the candidate ends up losing to a generic Republican. In some cases, Democrats have embraced these defeats as a "moral victory" of sorts. But no one believes them.
This year's midterm elections are fast approaching. Democrats will probably have reason to celebrate, maybe. But until then, here's a tribute to some of the party's studliest losers.
Beto O'Rourke
Race: Texas Senate
Cycle: 2018 (Midterm)
Opponent: Ted Cruz
Funds Raised: $61 Million
Result: Loss (Projected)
Skills/Attributes: Inspirational Perspiration (aka heavy sweating)
Celebrity Endorsements: Eva Longoria, Woody Nelson
Stud Appeal: Charismatic, like a Kennedy without the yachts or rosacea
Fun Facts: O'Rourke, who is often described as "Kennedyesque," is running against the son of John F. Kennedy's assassin.
Summary: The liberal base is batty for Beto.
Seriously, they can't get enough.
Just lose already. This is getting out of hand.
Watch this. Watch this right now. pic.twitter.com/boyyqxgQ67
— Caleb Hull (@CalebJHull) October 22, 2018
Jon Ossoff
Race: Georgia 6th
Cycle: 2017 (Special)
Opponent: Karen Handel
Funds Raised: $30 Million
Result: Loss
Skills/Attributes: None
Celebrity Endorsements: Samuel L. Jackson, Chelsea Handler
Stud Appeal: Factory-made Democratic congressional staffer
Fun Facts: Ossoff didn't live in the district where he ran for Congress, so he couldn't even vote for himself. During the election, Ossoff was publicly shamed into proposing to his girlfriend of 12 years.
Danny O'Connor
Race: Ohio 12th
Cycle: 2018 (Special), 2018 (Midterm)
Opponent: Troy Balderson
Funds Raised: $6.7 Million
Result: Loss, TBD
Skills/Attributes: Frat bro, Dad bod
Celebrity Endorsements: Alyssa Milano, John Legend
Stud Appeal: (See: Skills/Attributes)
Fun Facts: Has pledged to oppose House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi's bid for a new term as party leader. According to a recent Free Beacon analysis, Pelosi is ridiculously old.
Sean Eldridge (Facebook Spouse)
Race: New York 19th
Cycle: 2014 (Midterm)
Opponent: Chris Gibson
Funds Raised: $6.4 Million
Result: Humiliation
Skills/Attributes: Married Mark Zuckerberg's college roommate
Celebrity Endorsements: Hillary Clinton
Stud Appeal: Expensive trophy spouse
Fun Facts: Owns at least one pair of $2,500 binoculars.
Alexi Giannoulias
Race: Illinois Senate
Cycle: 2010 (Midterm)
Opponent: Mark Kirk
Funds Raised: $10 Million
Result: Loss
Skills/Attributes: Collegiate athlete (basketball), Disgraced banking scion
Celebrity Endorsements: Barack Obama
Stud Appeal: Sugar Daddy
Fun Facts: In 2015, Giannoulias bought a $2.6 million mansion once owned by House Speaker Paul Ryan's college girlfriend. This is considered a devastating Alpha move in super-wealthy circles.
Hunks on Deck for 2020
Gavin Newsom (Lieutenant Governor of California)
Pete Buttigieg (Mayor of South Bend, Indiana)
Joe Biden (About to fight Donald Trump)
