Kid Rock’s Chillin’ The Most Cruise: All the Great Things About Being Republican

If Tupac can have his Thugz Mansion, Kid Rock can have his Redneck Paradise. While Thugz Mansion may be a state of mind,  Redneck Paradise is in fact a real destination people can pay money to go to on Kid Rock’s "Chillin’ the Most Cruise."

In arguably greatest song-to-real-life tie-in ever, for the fourth year now, Kid Rock has literally made real the lyrics to his breakthrough smash, "Cowboy." Peep the lyrics:

And I'm a Kid Rock it up and down your block
With a bottle of scotch and watch lots of crotch
Buy a yacht with a flag sayin' chilling the most
Then rock that bitch up and down the coast
Give a toast to the sun, drink with the stars
Get thrown in the mix and tossed out of bars

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Combine a debauched cruise on the high seas with Kid Rock’s largely Republican fan base and the cruise promises to be a scatological bacchanal considerably less "ewwwy" than CNN's famed "Poop Cruise 2013."

The incomparable Drew Magary went on Kid Rock's fourth cruise, the Jane Goodall among the philandering, dumb conservative gorillas that make up Kid Rock’s fan base. Magary's account appears in the new issue of GQ (best nugget in the entire piece: the 2012 Chillin’ The Most Cruise was held on the Carnival Triumph).

True to how Republicans roll, the cruise had contests with winners and losers—in this case, the "Miss Lucky Bitch" pageant and dance battles between men helicoptering-in-Speedos. Since Republicans value family, of course the Speedo champ's routine was choreographed by his niece. (Three different families brought their young children with them.) For all of the blackouts and reversals of fortune on the Chillin’ the Most cruise, not a single person got arrested and/or died. Kid Rock’s fans, and the GOP at-large, are about personal responsibility. If you can't run with the big dogs, you'd better stay on the porch.

At the cruise's crescendo, Magary met with Bob or Bobby (Kid Rock prefers his fans to call him by his actual name) before his last performance. Sprawled out on his bed with a cap with a simple "’Merica" on it, Kid Rock eschews his girlfriend’s good wine for "the cheap stuff" as it is economical and because Rock is for the people.

If Democrats view paying your taxes as being patriotic, Republicans view it their American duty to party as much as they possibly can.

Per Magary:

"After three nights of trying to keep p with both Kid Rock and his crew, it becomes clear to me that partying is a patriotic duty for many of these folks. There is a clear sense of mission on this boat. Partying your ass of for five straight days in is an act of rebellion, a way of telling the world that a shitty economy and terrorism and all the dirty liberals ain’t gonna stop you for getting your rocks off. To party this hard takes genuine effort, and community. And it’s hard not to admire the zeal of these folks, not to mention their seemingly indestructible livers. I get why people come back every year, and I get why they stay friends for life. I’m gonna miss Bob and Monte and Shooter and Sparkle Tits. I really am."

Looks like Magary went native.