How I Convinced Putin to Invade Crimea and ‘Reset’ the Cold War

Free Beacon ombudsman Biff Diddle was last seen in Sevastopol. (AP)
• March 21, 2014 2:59 pm


Editor’s note: The following letter was received at Free Beacon global headquarters via Morse code. A senior member of the Neocon High Council has confirmed its authenticity. As always, we ask you to pray for Biff Diddle, whose whereabouts remain unknown. May God have mercy on his soul.

To whom it may concern:

My relationship with Russian president Vladimir Putin has, over the course of several decades, achieved what the youths call "frenemy status."

As two of the most feared undercover musclemen of the 1980s, our rivalry may best be compared to that of NBA greats Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Except in our case, I was both Magic and Bird, and Putin was more like an uglier version of Spud Webb (minus the ridonkulous vertical). At the end of the day, we still respect each other and subscribe to that age-old philosophy: "Don’t hate the player, hate the game."

Re: the game. I have a confession to make. I am tired of never getting credit for my severely patriotic actions, such as seducing a wily Elena Ceaușescu in the cold Romanian winter of ’89. I want my due credit for reigniting the Cold War.

Following a late-afternoon caviar feast at a Syrian bathhouse in Damascus, Putin and I joined the Assads for an evening of canasta, rum cannibals, and banter. Vlad got drunk and challenged me to a few rounds of Greco-Roman on Bashar’s new waterbed. Do I really have to say who won?

That’s when I convinced him to invade and annex Crimea, mostly just to f— with Obama. Also I owed some of my neocon buddies a favor after they helped me settle a gambling debt in Macau. Putin’s aggression would be a boon to their warmongering agenda.

Russia Today deserves credit for outing Liz Wahl as an agent of the Georgian government who was ordered to resign her post on air in order to embarrass the Kremlin. Actually, I had Center for American Freedom chairman Michael Goldfarb pull a few strings to make Wahl's resignation happen. And believe me, Putin was pissed. Abby Martin got a stern scolding in her native Russian.

Mossad operatives (NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT MENTION IN PRINT) Eli Lake and Rosie Gray also deserve credit. The Daily Beast’s Jamie Kirchick, obviously, has done tremendous work on behalf of Koch Oil and Weapons LLC. And Tom Steyer and John Podesta have performed admirably in making the case for increased production of natural gas, which is going to make us all a bundle of cash.

Another great thing about this new Cold War is the extent to which it has diverted attention away from the search for Malaysian Airlines flight 370. This is a positive development, for reasons that will become clear later.