Dispatches From The Hipster Coffee Scene: An Eye-Opening Investigation

The elite mainstream media is hopelessly cocooned in its Acela corridor bubble, and blinded its by anti-Trump hysteria. They can't possibly convey an accurate assessment of the political zeitgeist in Real America. This can only be achieved through enterprising, shoe-leather reporting from that most politically fertile of venues: the hipster coffee shop.

That is why the Free Beacon decided to spend the last several weeks researching the hipster coffee scene. We visited dozens of trendy cafes across the country, and the results were truly astonishing.

Entry 1 — Kava Øscura (Austin, Texas)

I had just ordered a tall hazelnut cortado and sat down quietly at a table in the back, pretending to read a dog-eared copy of Between the World and Me, when an illegal immigrant came out of the gender-neutral bathroom and walked up to the counter.

After ordering his coffee and paying for it with food stamps, the illegal recognized the all-harmonica version of "Carol of the Bells" playing over the cafe sound system. "Have a Merry Christmas," he told the barista, whose face suddenly twisted into a scowl. "Happy Holidays," the barista huffed, defiantly.

That's when Victor, the illegal immigrant, proceeded to explain in broken English that he had just come to this country via the migrant caravan, and had voted for Ted Cruz because, as a devout Catholic, he abhorred the left-wing's War on Christmas, and thought the phrase "Happy Holidays" was just another example of the liberal establishment's intellectual surrender to "political correctness gone loco."

Entry 2 — Beans of Production (Seattle, Washington)

Two Antifa operatives in black ski masks were sipping lattes and playing "Words with Friends" on their phones. One of them scribbled a note on a napkin and discretely passed it to his friend. It said, "I kind of agree with Trump's tough stance on trade." His friend nodded in agreement, and proceeded to roll the napkin into a ball and swallow it, so as to destroy the evidence.

Entry 3 — 2 Girls 1 Cuppa (Los Angeles, California)

Just as I was packing up to leave, an Iranian dissident wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I could explain why everyone in the cafe was giving him dirty looks. When I told him Donald Trump wasn't very popular in this part of the country, he looked dismayed. He had also recently come to the United States via the migrant caravan, he explained, and couldn't understand the hostility so many Americans felt toward the president.

The dissident praised Trump's "courageous" decision to withdraw from the Iranian nuclear agreement, which he said had only served to empower one of the world's most repressive regimes. He marveled at the liberal obsession with using "Handmaid's Tale" memes to attack the president, and suggested that if they wanted to learn what living under a real authoritarian theocracy is like, they should move to Iran.

Entry 4 — beard & talisman (Brooklyn, New York)

I observed a group of FBI agents whispering in a booth, so I posted up by the bar within earshot. They were discussing the resignation of Attorney General Jeff Sessions. He simply had to go, they said, because Sessions had recently learned the truth about "Operation Jade Helm Redux," the CIA's secret mission to frame Russia for collusion in the event that Hillary Clinton lost the 2016 election. The ultimate goal was to impeach Trump, they said, but the operation was cancelled once Deep State operatives realized the true extent of Trump's intellectual prowess and his mastery of economic policy.

When one of the agents suggested they finish their coffee, get back to the office, and "check in with Mueller," his partner laughed. It's not like they had anything to do. The investigation was merely a "smoke screen" to provide cover for the CIA. Just then, Huma Abedin walked in, pushing an elderly woman in a wheelchair. It was Hillary Clinton. One of the agents looked over his shoulder and smirked: "You think they make that pant suit in orange?"