Citizens of America, I write to you in a time of great peril. The future of our country is at stake. Its very survival could depend on the outcome of next year's presidential election. Why? For this reason: Since the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, my childhood bridge partner and longest-serving president of the United States, the American public has sullied the White House with the corrupting stench of commoners' musk.
Aside from Kennedy, perhaps, the electorate has insisted, quite recklessly, on handing the presidency to men of conspicuously mediocre calibre—individuals of dubious breeding whose horsemanship would be the laughing stock of any "dude ranch," much less the polo grounds. Jimmy Carter's father was a farmer. Let that sink in. Ronald Reagan? A screen actor. I am concerned that the current slate of candidates, on both sides of the partisan divide, is woefully bereft of class, and does not feature an individual whose personal wealth would satisfy even the most expansive definition of the word "wealthy." I am, frankly, disgusted.
Four years ago, our nation's once-reputable broadsheets were awash in speculation about whether a retail investor named Mitt Romney was "too rich" to win the White House. Where was the evidence for this claim? From what known bloodline did this rough-skinned house-dweller hail? Is that a question that we simply failed to ask? Or do we no longer care? When I saw this Romney fellow on my television, my initial reaction was the pang of sorrow one feels when faced with the unfortunate sight of a fellow citizen carrying his own groceries in public. I fault no man for wanting to "restore America," but—and I mean this with all due respect—the message loses all meaning when it's coming from someone who can't afford a decent haircut.
I am receptive to those arguing in favor of a "political dynasty," but cannot take seriously any candidate who demeans themselves by renting a luxury jetliner to travel between campaign stops, much less a candidate who refers to himself as "Jeb." I am of the (regrettably) archaic view that socialists should be jailed. That hooligan Sanders is not the only one. The term, if applied correctly, would, it pains me to say, implicate half the Republican field. As I already mentioned, there is not a single candidate that comes to mind who has the substantial personal fortune and sophisticated taste for luxury the office of the presidency demands. I have perused the financial statements of the various candidates, which I find to be indistinguishable from the résumés I've received for the pool house valet position at my chateau in Andorra. I have inquired as to the values of their property holdings, and I have wept softly into the supple leather of my horse-drawn Maybach Mobile Suite™.
Some of the candidates on the Republican side have received considerable attention in the digital press. In my view, the media vanguard should think twice before broadcasting the travails of America's most downtrodden. It is an insult the investment my family has devoted to this country over the past several centuries, for example, when Platt Cockburn & Co. graciously offered standard pricing on a rush order of premium ink destined to stain the sheet of parchment that would become the Declaration of Independence.
Will the real rich people stand up?