Five Suggestions to Help Democrats Connect With ‘Most People’

AP

I have to say, of all the recent polling I've seen—conducted after months of relentlessly negative coverage of Republicans in the White House and Congress alike—this remains the most shocking:

Democrats: impressively out of touch with the people. So out of touch with the people that a literal billionaire who lived in a literally gold-plated house when he wasn't dicking around on a golf course before becoming the most powerful man in the world who can spark international crises with little more than a tweet is more relatable than them!

That's … amazing.

Anyway, because I'm a traitorous RINO who is working from inside the bubble to bring America to her knees at the behest of my liberal paymasters, I have a few tips for Democrats who feel that it's important to reconnect with the common man. If they want to be "in touch with the concerns of most people," well, I can think of worse things to do than the following.

National Ad Campaign Explaining Intersectionality

Democrats need to make sure everyone in America understands this headline

The real problem isn't that Democrats are out of touch with common folks; it's that common folks don't understand that the struggles of the out-of-work coal miner are intricately linked to the struggles of the bisexual transgendered pronounless twitter user who feels oppressed by the mainstream's refusal to admit that zir exists and that zir's problems are not trivialities. A nationwide ad campaign explaining the intricacies of intersectionality will bring Democrats one step closer to showing that progressives really do have the problems of you, the people, in their hearts.

Send the Bill Nye Sex Video to Every Elementary School

Look, I f–king love science, you f—king love science, and what better way to show how much we f—king love science than by sending videos about the "science" of f—king to elementary school students. You're never too young to learn that sexuality exists on a spectrum! This sort of video is definitely NOT how you get Trump, btw.

Chelsea Clinton Pump-Up Tour

So then I was like ‘of course we have to get the $2,000 stroller, it's for the children' because I understand your concerns / AP

If Democrats want to remind folks that their's is a party of the people that has the concerns of average voters in mind—and that it's definitely not a machine dedicated to promoting the dynasties of a single family, only one of whom is actually a talented politician who connects with people and doesn't inspire something akin to skin-crawling revulsion—then they should send Chelsea on a nationwide tour to pump up the rank and file. She's extremely endearing, and it's not at all aggravating that her PR team is grooming her to take some low-level congressional seat so we can ensure a Clinton continuity.

Viral Vid: Tom Perez Doing George Carlin's Seven Words Bit

AP

Tom Perez definitely understands the concerns of the common man, which is why he's been saying "shit" a lot recently. That's what real people say: "I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit," etc. It definitely doesn't sound pathetic or forced or, frankly, plain-old inappropriate. The real problem, imho, is that Perez isn't going far enough. People love cussin'! I bet a video of him doing George Carlin's "seven words you can't say on TV" bit would go viral in no time flat. Dems could even sub in some of their issues as the words—how hilarious would it be if Perez suggested you can't say "equality" on TV?! Incredibly hilarious.

Hilarious and sad. Because it's true.

Special West Wing Webisode Taking Down Donald Trump

Is there anything Aaron Sorkin can't do?

No. No there isn't. If he can't save the Democrats, then no one can.