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Defending The Donald

Do you have his back, or do you hate America?

Donald Trump / AP
• August 14, 2015 1:31 pm

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Donald Trump is the only candidate in the 2016 race who A) fights, B) tells it like it is, and C) has a plan to make America great again. Everybody is talking about how he won the GOP debate. He gets bigger crowds than Bernie Sanders. Sure, he's advocated liberal policies and supported Democratic politicians in the past, but that just proves Donald Trump is a savvy businessman. RINOs and other members of the politically correct establishment will keep attacking him because they are fat slobs with ugly wives who can't afford a classy suit.

American voters fed up with the GOP establish have a duty to stand up and defend The Donald's previous positions, for example:

Support for Planned Parenthood

  • HE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE ABORTIONS. NOT HIS FAULT FOR CARING ABOUT WOMEN.

Support for single-payer healthcare

  • MITCH MCCONNELL SUPPORTS OBAMACARE. GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD WITH A BUSINESSMAN IN CHARGE. 

Support for massive tax increases

  • REAGAN RAISED TAXES TOO AND WAS ALSO A DEMOCRAT LIKE TRUMP.

Trump's current positions must also be defended from outrageous attacks, such as:

Mexico probably isn't going to pay for a border wall

  • YES, THEY WILL. TRUMP HAS A PLAN TO MAKE THEM.

That "plan" isn't going to work

  • HE HAS A PLAN. SHUT UP.

Supporting an "assault weapons ban" isn't very pro-gun

  • WHO CARES? TRUMP ISN'T BEHOLDEN TO SPECIAL INTERESTS LIKE THE NRA.

He still supports raising taxes

  • TAX HILLARY!!

He's just making this up as he goes

  • TRUMP IS NOT A SCRIPTED POLITICIAN AND HIS POLICIES ARE MORE DETAILED THAN ANY OTHER CANDIDATE. HE'LL BUILD THE WALL AND GET MEXICO TO PAY FOR IT.

And, because The Donald can be a tad unpredictable, we must be prepared to justify whatever positions he may take in the future. For example:

$60-per-hour minimum wage

  • SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. OBAMA HAS BEEN A DISASTER FOR THE ECONOMY.

Carbon tax

  • A BRILLIANT POLITICAL MOVE TO APPEAL TO INDEPENDENTS IN A GENERAL ELECTION. WE CAN USE THE REVENUE TO FUND THE BORDER WALL IF MEXICO WON'T PAY WHICH THEY WILL BECAUSE THE DONALD WILL MAKE THEM.

Bank nationalization

  • SHREWD PLAY TO SHORE UP SUPPORT FROM BERNIE SANDERS VOTERS. WHO BETTER TO RUN THE BANKS THAN A BILLIONAIRE WHO MAKES DEALS FOR A LIVING? THIS MAY CONVINCE LIBERAL SENATORS TO SUPPORT A LAND INVASION OF CHINA TO TAKE BACK OUR JOBS.

Pardons Hillary Clinton

  • SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMEN KNOW HOW TO MAKE DEALS SHE WILL OWE HIM BIG TIME. FEW OTHERS WOULD BE SO GRACIOUS THIS WILL HELP HIM WIN THE WOMEN'S VOTE AGAIN IN 2020.

Nominates Michelle Obama to the Supreme Court

  • SHE IS MORE CONSERVATIVE THAN THAT SELLOUT JOHN ROBERTS. THE FACT THAT RINO TALKING HEADS DON'T LIKE IT JUST PROVES THAT TRUMP IS RIGHT. HIS COMMITMENT TO WOMEN'S EMPOWERMENT IS INSPIRING.

Sells Alaska back to Russia

  • TRUMP WAS RIGHT HE DOES GET ALONG WITH PUTIN. WE DON'T NEED THE OIL ANYWAY WE'LL JUST STEAL IT FROM ISIS. THE REVENUES FROM THE SALE WILL GO A LONG WAY TOWARD FUNDING THE BORDER WALL NOW THAT MEXICO HAS REFUSED TO PAY FOR IT. 

(Full disclosure: The author is a Trump campaign donor)