President Donald J. Trump has devoted his life to bringing people together and encouraging them to set their grievances aside for the good of the country, and the good of all mankind.
His final acts as president should reflect this noble and selfless commitment, which is why Trump should consider issuing preemptive pardons to the following Democratic criminals.
Hunter Biden
Because Trump cares about what's best for the country above all else, he will want to ensure his successor won't be bogged down by criminal investigations into his delinquent son's inevitable attempts to cash in (again) on his father's job title.
Andrew Cuomo
The Butcher of Albany would welcome Trump's clemency now, when he is still adored by the obsequious press and winning Emmy awards for holding press conferences. History won't be so kind.
Bill & Hillary Clinton
Bill for his decades-long spree of sexual deviancy; Hillary for her lust for corruption, as well as her role in the untimely murder of billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, a longtime Democratic donor. It's the least Trump could do after crushing her lifelong dream.
Cal Cunningham
The Army Reserve is investigating the failed Senate candidate for committing adultery with the wife of an enlisted officer, a potential violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Trump should show mercy, especially since Cunningham's insatiable horniness has already precluded Democrats from winning a majority in the Senate.
Gavin Newsom
Already convicted in the court of public opinion for the "crime" of partying hard with his friends, aka choosing not to live like a filthy commoner who "follows the rules." Even so, you can tell just by looking at his face that Newsom has almost certainly committed an array of actual, horrible crimes. Trump can send the right message by absolving Newsom of the consequences for his actions.
Every elected Democrat in California
San Francisco elected a district attorney, Chesa Boudin, who supports public defecation and is generally pro-crime. He should be free to pursue that agenda without fear of prosecution. So should every elected Democrat in the state.
Patrick Murphy
Who knows what sort of criminal activity the former congressman and corrupt failson has gotten into since his humiliating loss to Sen. Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) in 2016?
Jeffrey Toobin
The public doesn't want to know what sort of crimes Toobin might have committed over the course of the pandemic. Trump can spare us all with the stroke of a pen.
Timmy Currier
The Democratic mayor of Massena, N.Y., was arrested earlier this month after throwing a bag of crack cocaine out of his vehicle during a police pursuit. Seems like a nice enough guy, though.
The #MeToo Democrats
A somewhat controversial move, given Trump's commitment to family values and his love for the women in his life, but one that could potentially rectify a perceived injustice. Just as minorities are statistically more likely than whites to be arrested for certain crimes, prominent Democrats, their financial backers, and other like-minded allies have been disproportionately singled out for sexual deviancy.
Potential pardonees include:
- Bill Clinton
- Jeffrey Epstein
- Harvey Weinstein
- Former Sen. Ted Kennedy (D., Mass.), deceased
- Former Sen. Al Franken (D., Minn.)
- Former Sen. John Edwards (D., N.C.)
- Rep. Bobby Scott (D., Va.)
- Former Rep. Ruben Kihuen (D., Nev.)
- Former Rep. John Conyers (D., Mich.), deceased
- Virginia Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax
- Matt Lauer
- Charlie Rose
- Les Moonves
- Chris Matthews
- Mark Halperin
- Ryan Lizza
- Glenn Thrush
- Hamilton Fish
- Kevin Spacey
- Ben Affleck
- Mario Batali
- Russell Simmons
Among others.