Using advanced algorithmic technology purchased (semi-legally) on the dark web, the Washington Free Beacon has created a bot capable of performing journalism at a professional level.
This week, we forced the bot to read and analyze every mainstream media report on President Joe Biden's inauguration and asked it to write its own Biden inauguration article based on that analysis. Enjoy!
Biden Ends America Civil War With Unity Message, Cures Racist Cancer With Historic Decency
Sublime fashion icon Kamala Harris achieves immortality in purple triumph; Democracy wins
WASHINGTON—America escaped from carnage wormhole on Wednesday, sodden with angst but exuding miraculous hope, to witness the swearing in of democracy itself, President Joe Biden, elderly friend of Kamala Harris, historic Black Asian Woman who slayed in purple ensemble fire emoji.
The large Bibles swooned under the oath of decency, heralding the dawn of righteousness. Steps away from the smoldering ruins of normalcy, ground zero in the racist invasion, our Biden gave the greatest healing speech of all time. "Unity," he declared, ending the war.
Disgraced strongman Donald Trump fled the capital under military escort, accompanied by his unlikable foreign spouse. The pouting despot, insurgent commander of internet trolls, spoke his final words to a pathetic crowd size. The popular gay anthem blared as Twitter mocked. Asylum granted by notorious criminal haven, Florida, the small orange man slouched away, a Tiger King dethroned.
Four years on life support, the Constitution turned the page on fascism. Meanwhile, an old Jewish man wore mittens, delightfully. America was great again. The result? Emotional perfection. The first Black Woman to assume historically irrelevant office. Not weeping would suggest unsavory principles. Michelle Obama!
Above all, an important milestone for journalism, and the reporters who risked their lives under assault in America. Throughout the day survivors gathered, longing for truth, and rejoiced in the cleansing glow of unprecedented fireworks. They would risk it all again, but why? The new guy briefs the press with facts. How boring.
Critical additions, such as wheelchair president, and legendary brothel connoisseur, adorned the oval walls. Biden used executive power to fix the mistakes on day one. Soon enough, the Democrats will stop the pandemic that was Trump's fault, unless Republicans object.