(This completely serious parody was inspired by the completely serious parody that appears in the December 2020 issue of Washingtonian magazine.)
But for the fact that Democrats nominated the least likable candidate in American history (Hillary Clinton)—thanks in no small part to former president Barack Obama's efforts to persuade Joe Biden not to run—the history of the past four years might have been very different. How different? Here's a dispatch from an alternative 2020:
Trumps Triumph: Father-Daughter Ticket Defeats Klobuchar in Historic Rout
WASHINGTON, NOV. 4, 2020—Amy Klobuchar's defeat in yesterday's presidential election came as a shock to professional pundits who continue to assume that so-called polling experts know what they're doing. To everyone else, President Klobuchar's defeat at the hands of Donald Trump and his historic running mate, Ivanka Trump, was an expected and sorely needed respite after four years of political chaos.
The 46th president, who assumed office in 2019 after Joe Biden was declared mentally unfit to serve in accordance with the 25th Amendment, faced strong headwinds in her bid to retain power. The transition of power was precipitated by Biden's deranged public feud with members of the White House cleaning staff. While addressing the U.N. General Assembly in 2018, for example, he accused the "fat-faced hornswogglers" of "juicing my long johns" with "French pudding." This left the administration in disarray and ill-equipped to confront the COVID-19 pandemic.
Hillary Clinton, who lost to Biden in the 2016 Democratic primary, became a major instigator of party infighting when she launched "I'm Still With Her," a semi-militarized campaign to install herself as commander in chief and prevent Klobuchar from making history as the first female president.
The attempted coup, spearheaded by longtime Clinton aide Sidney Blumenthal and backed by thousands of Saudi-funded mercenaries, ultimately failed. Clinton and Blumenthal wound up in federal prison, where they would be convicted again in short order for running a Social Security fraud scheme from their cells. The scandal eventually forced the resignation of Clinton Foundation CEO Jeffrey Epstein, who has since been granted asylum in Brunei.
As a result, the Klobuchar administration was somewhat distracted by the time the COVID-19 pandemic reached U.S. shores. Klobuchar herself was one of the first world leaders to contract the virus, which she blamed on several "ungrateful and recklessly incompetent" members of her White House staff. Subsequent lawsuits filed by the staffers, some of whom reportedly suffered life-threatening injuries, had yet to be resolved by Election Day.
The legal controversy surrounding President Klobuchar caused some Democrats to consider replacing her as the party candidate. Sen. Kamala Harris (D., Calif.), a frequent subject of tabloid headlines thanks to her on-again, off-again relationship with (recently divorced) former president Bill Clinton, was discussed as a possible alternative.
Trump, meanwhile, was well-positioned to capitalize on the Democratic disarray. After losing to Biden in 2016, the real-estate mogul launched his own television network, which filed for bankruptcy after six months. He immediately pivoted back to real estate, building a series of Trump-brand luxury towers and casinos in Pyongyang.
Trump entered the 2020 Republican primary as the favorite to win and made waves by hiring GOP strategist Rick Wilson for an unprecedented $12 million (plus fees and commission) to manage his campaign. Trump's competition for the nomination was underwhelming. Sen. Rand Paul (R., Ky.), for example, would make history as the only candidate to appear on the ballot in Iowa and New Hampshire yet fail to receive a single vote.
Trump sailed to victory in the primary, though Wilson was ultimately fired and indicted for embezzlement on the eve of the GOP convention. Wilson's replacement, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, lasted less than a week. His whereabouts remain unknown after he was reported missing in Cyprus while attempting to sell arms to Armenian nationalists.
It was Giuliani, however, who had urged Trump to "go bold" by selecting his own daughter, Ivanka, as a running mate. The historic father-daughter ticket brought much-needed joy to the hearts of millions of Americans suffering under the administration's chaotic failure to contain the pandemic.
Media reports credited Ivanka with pushing her father to publicly commit to pardoning Hillary Rodham, as she is currently known. Trump, however, sounded a more cautious note during his victory speech Wednesday evening. "I don't know, I think she's guilty," he said. "What a horrible, horrible human being."