SIDON, Lebanon—I have voted for Richard "Dick" Cheney (via write-in) in every presidential election since the honorable Richard M. Nixon was tragically forced from office in 1974. So I took notice over the weekend when the New York Times reported that Cheney was planning to vote for Kamala Harris. I didn't believe it at first. Why would I? Mainstream journalism is an irredeemably corrupt institution overrun by frumpy libs with leg tattoos who think the WNBA is "brat."
Alas, the story turned out to be true, and this has brought up a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm not ashamed to say I wept with joy after watching countless Democratic goons embrace Cheney and his staunch record of neocon militarism. In doing so, they finally disavowed their slanderous attacks on the man they called a "war criminal," reiterated their faith in the fundamentally American notion that war is good, and accepted the hard truth that death must be forever rained upon our enemies, whether in Gaza, the West Bank, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, Syria, Yemen, Libya, Mali, Madagascar, Mozambique, Nigeria, Somalia, Russia, Belarus, Red China, Mexico, Canada, France, Germany, or Columbia University, among others.
Furthermore, it has forced me to reevaluate my plan to write in Cheney's name for president on this year's ballot and to consider the possibility that Harris (or Donald Trump) could win my vote. That's why I'll be closely watching the presidential debate on Tuesday to see where each candidate stands on what I consider to be the defining issues of our time.
America needs Dick
Harris has already suggested she would appoint a Republican to her cabinet if elected because the American people would "benefit" from a "diversity of opinion." If she goes a step further on the debate stage by promising to appoint Cheney (as in Dick, not his feckless daughter) as secretary of defense or CIA director—or any cabinet position from which to plot a successful coup d'etat—she will be one step closer to earning my endorsement. In the nearly two decades since Cheney left office, America's military might has atrophied to an unacceptable degree. Our weakness has emboldened the criminal regimes in Tehran, Beijing, Moscow, and Ottawa, but our enemies would find no such solace with Cheney calling the shots.
Trophies, trophies, trophies
Trump deserves tremendous credit for the times he channeled Dick Cheney during his first term as president. The successful assassinations of Qassem Soleimani, commander of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the ISIS leader who "died like a dog," were heartwarming displays of American strength. They have since faded from memory, which is Trump's own fault. Where, may I ask, are the bodies?
More importantly, why aren't they hanging from pikes in front of the White House or Trump Tower in Manhattan? Sure, they were mostly incinerated or slashed to pieces by a "ninja bomb," but what about the remains? It's called "trophy hunting" for a reason. If Americans have become so soft that we can't enjoy our victories in the form of physical trophies, perhaps we don't deserve to win. If either candidate announces their support for the public display of dead terrorists—and for recovering Osama bin Laden's corpse from the bottom of the Arabian Sea while we're at it—they're probably going to get my vote.
Taking climate change seriously
Climate change is obviously a hoax, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't take it seriously and use it as an opportunity to advance American interests abroad. For example, Red China's greenhouse gas emissions are out of control. Chinese power plants are "destroying the planet" to the extent that they are allowing communism to thrive unchallenged. As far as I'm concerned, and I hope Dick Cheney would agree, the only way to meaningfully combat "climate change" is to carpet bomb the ever-living piss out of the communists. I've yet to hear a candidate from either party propose a serious (military) solution to this "problem," but I haven't given up hope.
Biff Diddle is the Washington Free Beacon ombudsman and lead air guitarist for Mother Freedom, a Toby Keith cover band.