"Total Divas" is the E! Network’s Title XIII follow-up to the Viking funeral for Ryan Lochte’s career that was #WWRLD. The difference is "Total Divas" documents actual entertainers.
We’re exchanging narcissistic showboating for healthy team chemistry.
"Divas" begins with the comeback of the Bella Twins, Brie and Nikki, who took a year sabbatical before realizing attractive twins are a dime a dozen outside the WWE. Just as you'll find in the jungle and high school, WWE divas is a hierarchy and the Bella Twins are the HBICs.
The twin's would-be usurpers are the Funkadactyls, Ariane and Trinity.
According to Ariane, Trinity is a Bugatti.
We Report, You Decide.
Next on the roster is Nattie, the savvy veteran who's bounced around between different pro wrestling leagues for years. She’s what's known in other sports as a "journeyman" or "trade bait." She trains with this here Blog's favorite diva, the promising Miss Charlotte.
Nikki is the paramour of the WWE’s least-interesting champion, John Cena. Apparently Nikki doesn’t like them too bright.
In the WWE Diva ecosystem, while the Bellas are Regina George, newcomer Eva Marie is the Cady—right down to the ginger.
Stone Cold Jane the WWE talent exec flaunted Eva as Nattie's replacement in front of the divas. Awkward turtle.
At the pre-WrestleMania fête, the Plastic Twins hazed Eva and fellow rookie Jojo by ordering the newbies to fetch champagne. Mama's gotta get her drank on!
Outside the gala, Nattie was relegated to a fate worse than death: being issued a media credential and interviewing C-Listers.
On WrestleMania-Eve, poor John Cena was blindsided by the whole "My sister was ring shopping…" line. He doesn't sweat like that in the ring.
Ariane and Trinity’s uniforms were still undergoing last minute alterations by "WWE Seamstresses," reaffirming that the worldwide leader in sports entertainment also insources. Fun thought exercise: picture Sandra adjusting Ryback's singlet.
This year’s WrestleMania ran long, as most fatty, over-produced shows tend to do, leaving our primped and primed heroines languishing.
Considering they were across the river, they might as well have hailed a cab and caught a show of "Kinky Boots."
I hear it's a good time.