2020 Election

Hillary Clinton Blames Voters, Russia for Her Failures in Uplifting Convention Speech

Hillary Clinton, the nominal wife to a credibly accused rapist who made history in 2016 by becoming the highest ranking female politician to lose an election, blamed American voters and "foreign adversaries" for her unsuccessful White House bid in an uplifting teleprompted address to the Democratic convention on Wednesday.

"For four years people have told me, ‘I didn't realize how dangerous he was. I wish I could do it all over.' Or worse, ‘I should've voted,'" Clinton said of all the people who had let her down. "This can't be another woulda coulda shoulda election."

Dressed in a dazzling white pant suit, the failed candidate urged Americans to vote for "honest elections" to prevent a "foreign adversary" from choosing the president. She was presumably referring to Russia, a country that, unlike China, can be acceptably demonized without inviting accusations of racism. Clinton has repeatedly blamed the former Soviet state, among others, for her (most recent) failed presidential campaign.

"Don't forget, Joe and Kamala can win by 3 million votes and still lose. Take it from me," Clinton said, while exuding the magnetic charisma a post office employee explaining the difference in shipping rates. "So we need numbers overwhelmingly, so Trump can't sneak or steal his way to victory."

Hillary's husband, former President Bill Clinton, addressed the convention Tuesday on a night that featured some of the biggest names in Democratic sexual deviance. Hours earlier, the Daily Mail published photos of Bill getting massaged by a young victim of the late billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.