This Is the Best Donut. No Other Donut Is Better

In the latest Substandard, Vic, JVL, and I discussed donut shops. After the embed, I shall tell which donut is best.

Lots of donuts are good donuts. Heck, virtually every donut has its charms. Except for donuts filled with jelly and/or cream, of course. Those are trash pastries eaten by garbage people who simply do not understand what a "donut" is: a donut has to have a hole or else it is not a donut, it is a monstrosity. An abomination created by science, an affront to God. Save your jelly for toast. Save your cream for the compost heap. Cream is frigging disgusting and nothing grosses me out more than seeing some slob bite into a donut while white goo jets onto his face and shirt. Jesus, get it together, people.

Anyway. There are lots of good donuts. But there is only one best donut, the king of donuts, the greatest of all donuts. And it is this one:

THAT'S RIGHT: Krispy Kreme's chocolate iced glazed with sprinkles is the king of the donuts. It is the platonic ideal of pastry, the contessa of confections. It melts in your mouth and yet provides just a hint of tasty crunch—from the sprinkles—to prove you are eating the most delicious of all desserts. If I were king (and I really should be) this would be the national dish.

Suck it Tim Hortons. Go eat a moose or whatever.

It really does, Peter. It really does.