Gov. Gavin Newsom (D., Calif.) finally resurfaced on Tuesday after the New York Times and other outlets raised questions about his curiously unexplained absence from public life. The governor's first public comments in two weeks included a dubious excuse for his extended hiatus and the abrupt cancellation of his planned trip to Scotland for the U.N. climate summit.
"I’ve been on this damn treadmill … crisis to crisis. Wildfires, COVID, the recall," Newsom told reporters at the California Economic Summit. "I signed up to go to Europe, I was ready to go, and I had this dinner, and the kids had an intervention. They couldn't believe I was going to miss Halloween."
Spending time with his kids? Really? Instead of attending "one of the most important meetings in history" to address "the existential threat" of climate change? If that's true, he must not care about the planet or his children's futures. Internet sleuths have correctly assessed that Newsom's weak sauce "explanation" was solely intended to give liberal journalists permission to stop asking questions.
Unlike most media outlets, the Washington Free Beacon is committed to uncovering the truth about our elected leaders. Accordingly, we have compiled the five most plausible theories regarding Newsom's mysterious absence. Happy sleuthing!
1) Adverse reaction to COVID-19 booster shot
Until Tuesday, the governor's most recent public appearance was on Oct. 27, when he posed for cameras while getting his COVID-19 booster shot. According to science, some people have had severe allergic reactions to the COVID-19 vaccine. Newsom's office has denied it, but Democrats have been known to lie about their health. (Cough, Hillary Clinton, cough.)
2) Another extramarital affair
Once a cheater always a cheater. Newsom broke up a marriage in 2007 after he was exposed for banging his campaign manager's wife while running for reelection as mayor of San Francisco. That kind of behavior suggests a Clintonesque moral depravity that would make Newsom capable of just about anything. Perhaps he found a way to reconnect with Kimberly Guilfoyle, his ex-wife and current girlfriend of future president Donald Trump Jr.
3) Calf implants or other cosmetic procedure
After an extensive internet analysis, the Free Beacon was unable to find a single photo of Newsom wearing shorts. That's a serious red flag. Real men wear shorts in public. The ones who refuse to show some leg are almost always insecure about the size of their calves. Implants can help. The "cantaloupe package," inspired by former representative Steve King (R., Iowa), is an increasingly popular option but requires about two weeks of recovery time following the procedure.
4) Secret vetting process to replace Kamala Harris as vice president during her trip to France
Harris is already embarrassing herself and the country on her first trip abroad as vice president. According to a recent USA Today poll, President Joe Biden's approval rating is just 38 percent, which is abysmal until you compare it with Harris's approval rating of 28 percent. Even her former employees are terrified at the thought of Harris becoming president. The Virginia election was a wakeup call for Democrats, who might want to consider replacing Harris sooner rather than later in light of Biden's advanced age and rapidly deteriorating health.
5) Ran out of youth-regenerating "blood boys" due to Biden labor shortage
Despite his Slim Jim salami legs, Newsom is clearly someone who takes pride in his appearance. Given his proximity to Silicon Valley, the governor is presumably familiar with youth-generating practices of the tech world's weirdest billionaires, such as injecting oneself with the blood of nubile young boys. The Biden labor shortage has wreaked havoc on all aspects of the American economy, so it's entirely possible that these "blood boys" are increasingly hard to come by. Orders that might have previously taken less than 24 hours to fill may take as long as two weeks.