Satire

POLL: Thanks to Mitch McConnell’s Courageous Leadership, Congress Has Highest Approval Since 2009

The United States Congress, under the bold leadership of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., Ky.)—aka "Midnight Mitch," "Cocaine Mitch," "Moscow Mitch," etc.—has achieved its highest approval rating in more than a decade, according to a Gallup survey published this week.

A solid 30 percent of Americans approve of the job Congress is doing on McConnell's watch. According to Gallup, the last time Congress had an approval rating this high was September 2009. The legislative body's numbers tanked thereafter, presumably due to the unpopularity of Obamacare.

The current figure might be even higher if not for the fact that Congress has two chambers. McConnell's upper, more refined chamber, the Senate, has been working hard to save the American economy during the unprecedented coronavirus pandemic while still finding time to nominate judges to the federal bench.

Meanwhile, the House of Representatives—the lower, angrier chamber—has been flailing haphazardly under the so-called leadership of Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D., Calif.), who recently celebrated her 80th birthday. Instead of trying to prevent the collapse of America's small businesses, Pelosi has been giving kitchen tours to celebrities and showing off the expensive stash of ice cream in her millionaire's freezer.

There's only so much Mighty Mitch can do to prevent the harmful consequences of the Pelosi Recession, but patriotic Americans know in their hearts that he's fighting for them and will never give up.