Introducing the Clinton Project

Fighting to restore the era of Democratic politics when crime and welfare were frowned upon, but banging interns wasn't

February 8, 2021

Joe Biden and the Democratic Party used to stand for American values. As a U.S. senator in the mid-1990s, he worked across the aisle to solve the country's under-incarceration problem. Years later, he voted against impeaching President Bill Clinton for hooking up with his intern and lying about it, because honestly who cares?

The Joe Biden and Democratic Party of 2021 represent an entirely different set of values—those of woke radicalism, coastal elitism, and #MeToo totalitarianism—and have devoted themselves to a movement whose core mission is to destroy America as we know it.

That is why we are announcing the Clinton Project, an effort to revitalize the Democratic Party by purging it of these toxic elements, to restore its soul by electing Republicans, and to reimpose the values that served it so well in the 1990s, when crime and welfare were frowned upon and banging interns wasn't.

While many of us are directly responsible for the Democratic Party's transformation into a woke cult, we will not apologize. This effort transcends partisanship and is dedicated to nothing less than the preservation of American principles that so many have fought for, on battlefields far from home and on social media, the modern-day equivalent of war.

These principles are under attack from the radical left. Chief among them is the sacred notion that politics is a business through which all Americans deserve the right to acquire vast personal wealth. Few, if any, have fought harder to advance this fundamental right than Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Alas, these once-proud standard-bearers for the Democratic Party have been cast aside by radical hijackers who insist the era of Big Government is just beginning. Even Ted Kennedy, the liberal lion whose worst "offense" was leaving a woman to drown in his car, would be unwelcome in today's party.

Over the next 15 fiscal quarters, our efforts will be dedicated to ingratiating ourselves with influential donors and activist groups to amass the funds necessary to defeat Biden and Bidenism at the ballot box—at least in theory. We intend to lead a broad coalition of values-oriented patriots in this fight for the soul of our country and have already secured generous commitments from the following groups:

  • National Republican Senatorial Committee
  • Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia
  • Clinton Foundation Expeditionary Force
  • People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
  • Jerry Falwell Jr. and the Christian Unity Coalition for Kindness
  • Donate Now To Build The Wall For Real This Time, Inc.
  • MyPillow Action Alliance for Election Accountability
  • Ed Buck Legal Defense Fund PAC
  • Free Ghislaine Maxwell Initiative
  • Matt Lauer Association for Unjustly Accused Journalists

We might be old, unattractive, and out of shape, but we are the perfect soldiers for this fight. To our supporters, we promise to spend an unhealthy amount of time on Twitter making snide, belittling remarks about your political opponents and their children.

To our donors, we promise to never abandon you the way the modern Democratic Party abandoned Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein, founding members of the Clinton Project.

We look to Bill as our guide and inspiration. If it felt good, he did it. No questions asked. We look to Hillary as our lodestar, our sherpa in a pantsuit. More than anyone, she understands the importance of cashing in while you still can, of repudiating everything you've ever claimed to believe for personal gain, and owning your enemies with epic tweets.

Bidenism will be defeated, because it must. And when it is, we will be first to take credit.

Watch this space.

Yours in truth and honor,

Biff Diddle

Chief Digital Assassin and Security Liaison 

The Clinton Project