2023 Man of the Year: The White House Cokehead

December 30, 2023

To say we had high hopes for Hunter Biden at the dawn of 2023 would be a tremendous understatement. In fact, we called our shot and preemptively named him the Washington Free Beacon Man of All the Years during our 2022 awards.

Hunter lived up to that title in 2023—and then some. But, being an esteemed publication of immense respect and integrity, we must follow the rules. As Hunter is a permanent Man of the Year, we are prohibited from officially honoring him again.

Thus, it is with a heavy heart that we turn away from Hunter and toward a man who has absolutely nothing to do with him whatsoever: the White House cokehead.

In mid-summer, a mystery unfolded at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Shortly after Independence Day festivities concluded, the Secret Service announced that a small bag of white powder, later determined to be cocaine, suddenly materialized in a White House locker.

Interestingly enough, there were no announced suspects. As a publication dedicated to shedding light on the stories that the mainstream media refuse to cover, this tingled our tentacles.

Who could have possibly been so bold and careless with a pocket-sized party platter of Bolivian fairy dust in the most revered building in the country? Who could operate with such impunity and arrogance? Whose father could simply get him out of trouble with the stroke of a pen? Did any known cocaine connoisseurs have unfettered access to the Residence?

Could it be that someone so used to summer snow skiing sessions left behind a baggie of go-go gadget coffee grounds at Dad's place? Would someone who was once so high that he forgot to pick up an incriminating personal laptop from a repair shop do such a thing?

Don't ask us. We don't know anyone who fits that description. We will not irresponsibly speculate.

Under a Republican administration, such inquiries could be turned over to a ribald and swashbuckling White House press corps. The blow-by-blow account of the dishonorable discovery would conceive a great scandal. Robust press inquiries into its origin would follow, suspects would be recklessly doxxed, reputations ruined, and family members harassed by the dogged press.

But these are not the glory days of journalism, dear reader. The once-invigorated White House press corps has reverted to its natural catamitical state of cowering to the Democratic authority. Questions about the abandoned bag of magic mayhem and its owner ceased after mere hours.

As a result, we can't say who brought that coke into the White House, and we certainly can't speculate that it was Hunter. But we can honor the nameless White House cokehead. And we will.

For evading all scrutiny, investigation, and incarceration while retaining the ability to party within the world's most secure facility, we salute you, White House cokehead. You're a 2023 Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.