What Was Hillary Trying to Hide in Her Personal Email Account?

Some possibilities!


Hillary Clinton, it seems, did not want to use an official government email address to conduct State Department business. There is, literally, only one reason for her to do such a thing: minimize transparency. That's it. That's the only legitimate reason: she wanted as few of her communications as possible to be exposed to FOIA requests.

At first, I thought there's something kind of surprising about the brazenness here—I mean, it's not every day you hear lawyers throw around phrases like "nuclear winter" in the paper of record when discussing possible explanations for potentially illegal behavior. But maybe not. This is a Clinton we're talking about, after all. I assume there's a 18-and-a-half-email gap in the archives somewhere.

It seems to me that the only reasonable solution to this is to require Hillary to turn over access to every email account she used during her tenure as secretary of State and make them FOIA-able. While this would undoubtedly be embarrassing, it would serve as a warning for future government officials: if you don't play by the rules, you pay a very serious price.

The whole thing got me thinking, however. What could she be hiding?

Price Estimates on Exoskeleton Services

Hillary Exoskeleton

Since the Clinton camp has kept a tight wrap on Hillary Clinton's physical status, it's only fair to wonder whether or not she was pricing out exoskeletons to aid with her obvious mobility issues on the campaign trail. If she were using a government email address—as she likely would have, since such an accoutrement would likely be quite pricey—those quotes would become part of the public record. And I think Hillary understands America is not ready for a cyborg president.

Hiring of a Laughter Consultant

Hillary's biggest weakness headed into 2016 is her general unlikeability. And the only way she'll be able to counter that—to connect with real people out in Real America (a/k/a ‘Murica)—is to improve her laugh, which has been known to give small children and Free Beacon staffers nightmares. So perhaps she hired a laughter consultant on the State Department's dime, someone who can teach her how actual human voters respond to humorous situations. Obviously, she wouldn't want that to get out. Hence the personal email address.

Emails to Huma During Weiner Crisis

Hillary Rodham Clinton



Huma Abedin is well known to be one of Hillary Clinton's closest advisers. So one has to wonder what advice the then-secretary of state was giving her as the world learned that her husband, Anthony Weiner, was busy sending dick pics to anyone who asked on Twitter. One can understand why she would want such intimate communiques kept from FOIA. But it's no excuse!

Efforts to Remove Bill's Portrait from National Portrait Gallery



It was revealed this week that the painter of the official Clinton portrait secretly included the shadow of Monica Lewinsky's famous blue dress in his painting. He said that the Clintons are so outraged by the affront that they've attempted to get the painting removed from the gallery, a claim the organization denies. There's only one way to know for sure if Hillary was using her official position to push for its removal: a thorough search of Clinton's email archives. Which—conveniently enough—we cannot perform.