Free Beacon Alt History: A Dispatch from Hillary Clinton’s America

President Hillary Clinton
President Hillary Clinton / Getty Images

What would the world look like if Hillary Clinton had won the 2016 presidential election? Here's what…

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June 27, 2018

MIDTERMS: Rep. Joe Crowley Sails to Victory in NY-14 Democratic Primary — Crowley, a member of the House Democratic leadership team and close ally of President Clinton, easily fended off a primary challenge from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a socialist backed by disgraced former Senator Bernie Sanders. First Gentleman Bill Clinton campaigned extensively on Crowley's behalf, dismissing the incumbent's opponent as "all face and no brain."

ON THE MONEY: Treasury Secretary Marc Mezvinsky "Really Sorry" for Accidentally Sanctioning Rwanda — "I mean, it's right next to Russia on the little scroll down menu," the Clinton son-in-law and former failed hedge fund manager told the New York Times, explaining the Treasury Department's bizarre decision last week to impose severe financial penalties on the impoverished African nation. "Unfortunately, I had already clicked the ‘sanction' button before realizing my mistake, and then I just kind of forgot about it for a few days. Chelsea was pretty pissed when she found out."

Highlights from Matt Lauer's Exclusive Interview with President Clinton:

  • On her biggest regret since taking office: "Well, let me say this. I understand that many of you in the media would like me to sit here and say that our attempt to do a ‘double reset' with Russia was a mistake, but I'm not going to play that game … I think at times, perhaps, I've allowed myself to get too bogged down in, you know, my intense focus on helping working families access the opportunities they need to achieve the American Dream."
  • On continuing to accept a presidential salary of $400,000 per year, despite her considerable fortune: "Of course, this is something my critics on the far right are very concerned about. As I've said repeatedly, I volunteered for this job out of a sincere desire to serve my country, even though I could easily be earning much more giving speeches and writing books and selling reverse mortgages. I don't recall President Obama being criticized for taking a salary, and he just signed a Netflix deal worth millions. I often wonder if all this whining about my income is due to the fact that many Americans are still struggling to accept a woman as president."
  • On the recent Washington Free Beacon report purporting to show evidence that her signature pantsuits are being altered to conceal a military-grade exoskeleton suit designed to increase mobility and stamina: "[Sound resembling human laughter.] You know, I've seen a lot of outlandish stories in my day… [T]he right wing's obsession with my clothing is just another example of the rampant misogyny that prevented me from winning the popular vote in 2016."
  • Read the whole interview here.

LATE NIGHT LAUGHS: Stephen Colbert CURB STOMPS Republican County Official Who Tried to Ban Truck Nutz in Church Parking Lots 

2020 VISION: Keeping an Eye on the Republican Field

  • Rep. Louie Gohmert (R., Texas) announced the launch of a presidential exploratory committee by firing an RPG at a scale replica of the Comic Ping Pong pizza restaurant.
  • Mitt Romney single-handedly rescued a Boy Scout troop that had gone missing while hiking in the Utah wilderness. The former presidential candidate also managed to tame, and later adopted, a pack of ravenous wolves that had been stalking the beleaguered scouts.
  • Poll: 83 percent of Americans still "haven't heard" of Marco Rubio.

PHOTO: Trump Ladies Attend Ribbon Cutting Ceremony for New Trump Hotel and Casino in Donetsk People's Republic  The project is the first in a series of planned ventures to open its doors since Donald Trump narrowly lost the 2016 presidential election. Additional Trump-brand luxury resorts are expected to open later this year in Damascus, Benghazi, and Pyongyang.

Corporate Sponsored Drone Program Records First Enemy Kill — The controversial initiative, approved by the Democratic Congress to fund job training for former ICE agents as part of the Open Borders Act of 2017, reached the key milestone this week when an AT&T-Time Warner MQ-1 Predator drone evaporated what White House officials are "pretty sure" was an ISIS convoy near Tripoli, Libya. Notable drone sponsors to date include Morgan Stanley, Squire Patton Boggs, the WNBA, Avocados from Mexico, and the Washington Free Beacon.

WATCH: Fox News' Sean Hannity EXPLODES on Secretary of State Ronan Farrow for Criticizing Theresa May's ‘Brexit' Strategy During UK Visit 

MORE NOTEWORTHY HEADLINES:

  • The Apprentice Season Premiere Breaks All-Time Viewership Records
  • Bernie Sanders Files for Bankruptcy Following DOJ Investigation
  • Harvey Weinstein in Talks to Produce Bill Clinton Bio Pic
  • Former Trump Campaign Chief Paul Manafort Inks Lucrative Consulting Deal with Boko Haram
  • Sidney Blumenthal's "Shadow Fist" Mercenaries Seize Compound in Yemen
  • California Gov. Jerry Brown Signs Bill to Establish Sharia Law in Oklahoma

** A message from the Clinton Foundation: At the Clinton Foundation, we often say "No one has all the answers, but we can bring together people who can find them." That is the approach we take through CGI — to connect partners across sectors so they can leverage their expertise and resources in the most effective way, for the largest positive impact. This is what enables us to make a difference in so many people’s lives. **