Donald Trump's latest epic memoir, Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again, is taking the nation by storm. Trump fans (full disclosure: this author is a Trump campaign donor) are hoping its massive success can propel him out of second place in the national polling average.
One of Trump's main rivals, Florida senator Marco Rubio, also wrote a book that came out earlier this year. We asked our literary analysts to determine how American Dreams: Restoring Economic Opportunity for Everyone stacks up against Crippled America.
Here's what they found:
LENGTH
American Dreams: 9.25 inches
Crippled America: 8.63 inches
Advantage: Rubio
GIRTH
American Dreams: 14 inches
Crippled America: 13.25 inches
Advantage: Rubio
PAGE COUNT
American Dreams: 212
Crippled America: 193
Advantage: Rubio
COVER IMAGE
American Dreams: Smiling, optimistic, celestial, perhaps inspired by the cover of Surviving at the Top, one of the greatest Trump book covers of all time. Immaculate tie paired with rolled-up shirtsleeves, sans jacket, strikes a perfect balance between slick professionalism and laid back do-it-yourselfism. Prominent crotch placement projects manliness, high energy, and youthful potency.
Crippled America: Crisp, clean, severe, in keeping with the title. Stunning wardrobe, but slouched posture signals weakness and decrepitude. The book's preface attempts to explain why the cover image "is so angry and so mean looking." But as Trump's (alleged) idol Ronald Reagan once said: "If you're explaining, you're losing."
Advantage: Rubio
ENDORSEMENTS
American Dreams: None
Crippled America: Robert Redford, Mark Cuban, Mike Ditka, among others
Advantage: Trump
VISUAL AIDS
American Dreams: None
Crippled America: Impressive 16-page spread comprising photos of Trump's family of properties and his actual family.
Advantage: Trump
CHAPTER TITLES
American Dreams:
- The American Dream, Downsized
- Making America Safe for Uber
- Equal Opportunity, Equal Dignity, Equal Work
- Making College a Good Investment Again
- Economic Security in an Insecure Time
- Retirement in Your Own Time, On Your Own Terms
- Values—And the Families That Teach Them
Crippled America:
- Winning Again
- Our "Unbiased" Political Media
- Immigration: Good Walls Make Good Neighbors
- Foreign Policy: Fighting for Peace
- Education: A Failing Grade
- The Energy Debate: A Lot of Hot Air
- Health Care Is Making Us All Sick
- It's Still the Economy, Stupid
- Nice Guys Can Finish First
- Lucky to Be an American
- The Right to Bear Arms
- Our Infrastructure Is Crumbling
- Values
- A New Game In Town
Advantage: Trump
CLOSING SENTENCE
American Dreams: "If we lose sight of that fact, we will have driven the final nail in the coffin of the American Dream."
Crippled America: "Together we can Make America Great Again."
Advantage: Rubio
MISCELLANEOUS
American Dreams: Includes an Afterword
Crippled America: Tremendous miscellany, like you wouldn't believe. Highlights include a 17-page "About The Author" section, complete with a (partial) list of properties, ice rinks, and "corporate aircrafts [sic]" that are "owned and/or developed and managed or licensed" by Trump. The book also includes a copy of the personal financial statement Trump submitted after announcing his run for president in June 2015, along with a note explaining that his net worth has increased "considerably" since then. The author bio on the inside jacket includes the following sentence: "Mr. Trump has more than seven million followers on social media and is passionate about fixing America."
Advantage: Trump
FINAL ASSESSMENT
American Dreams: 5
Crippled America: 4
The two books are almost equally matched in terms of literary merit, but American Dreams boasts a length/girth advantage that is too hard to ignore. The proud, masculine cover image stands in stark contrast to the slouchy gloom of Crippled America, a work that impresses with its artistic flamboyance, but is ultimately crippled, so to speak, by its diminutive stature.
WINNER: RUBIO