FERGUSON, Mo. — A couple of weeks ago I was on a date with a lovely woman of the goth persuasion. I was doing pretty well—naturally—and she invited me to her apartment in Brooklyn, where she put on some music to set the mood.
And when I heard the first few chords of Green Day’s soft-core punk anthem "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)," I began to weep uncontrollably.
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Not because the song elicits memories of my days purging Eastern Europe of Soviet meatheads. Not because I wanted to invite the sympathy of my companion, to feel the bristles of her Elvira wig against my cheek, her black-painted nails pressed into my shoulder.
No. I wept for America.
I’d like to say "good riddance" to Chuck Hagel, who was fired on Monday, presumably after President Obama determined that he was a little too committed to weakening America. During his brief tenure as secretary of defense, Hagel presided over the rise of ISIS, the emboldening of Vladimir Putin, and the removal of Taylor Swift’s music catalog from Spotify. We now live in a world where France—France—is more willing to defend freedom than the United States. Hagel's departure is welcome news to the few of us who still believe American is better than France.
Hagel should never have been confirmed in the first place. Hell, it pains me to say this, but I would rather have Hillary Clinton as secretary of defense; at least she loves war.
Don’t say you weren’t warned about Hagel. I tried to sound the alarm. Unfortunately, my efforts were wasted on the Washington Free Beacon, the most pathetic excuse for a neocon rag I’ve encountered since War Fancy, the bimonthly journal I briefly edited in the 1980s before it was taken over by leftists who thought Ronald Reagan was tough on communism.
Derailing the Hagel nomination was the job the Free Beacon was built to do. Its failure suggests either a lack of commitment to cause of freedom or, worse, a desire to see America fail. For example, a search for mentions of "Chuck Hagel" on the website returns a mere 8,870 results, roughly half the number of items published on Kate Upton. Sure, she’s a babe. But is she more important than America?
I tried to warn the world about Free Beacon "reporter" Adam Kredo, whose pro-mullah sympathies rival those of Hagel himself. I tried to shed a light on Alana Goodman’s fiendish animosity for the State of Israel. I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to stand up to the bearded liberalism of Sonny Bunch. My pleas have fallen on deaf, treasonous ears.
Today, I learned that Racket, a left-wing magazine dreamt up by Edward Snowden’s co-conspirators, was disbanding. It is my humble demand as ombudsman of this publication that the Free Beacon follow suit. America may not be around much longer, but she stands a better chance at survival without this group of entitled millennials pretending to wage "combat journalism" on her behalf.
May God have mercy on our souls.