Team Hillary Launches Desperate Attacks on Bernie Sanders

January 20, 2016

Prominent grandmother Hillary Clinton is not very good at running for president. Bernie Sanders, a 74-year-old champion of the working class, is pretty good at it, even though he's not really trying to win. Hillary already choked once in 2008, despite resorting to nasty attacks against Barack Obama. She cried at the thought of someone so inexperienced becoming president, and her husband accused Obama of playing the "race card."

Hillary and her allies underestimated Obama in 2008, and they've underestimated Bernie Sander this time around. More accurately, perhaps, they continue to overestimate the political talents of one of the least successful candidates in modern history. The experts thought she was invincible. Now, as Bernie has surged in the polls, Clinton allies in the liberal establishment have launched a coordinated attack in an effort to portray him as too liberal to win a general election. The full offensive has only just begun.

Demented hair freak David Brock, a loyal Clinton manservant, went full David Brock last week when he started demanding that Bernie Sanders release his health records. This week, Clinton allies are trying to scare suburban voters by noting that Sanders has the honesty and integrity to publicly identify as a socialist. Clinton, on the other hand, has identified as a "progressive" as well as a "moderate" depending on her audience. Sanders is currently being attacked for failing to fully embrace reparations for slavery. (Where does Hillary stand on the issue, by the way?) Clinton and her defenders are also mad that Sanders correctly pointed out that the Democratic political establishment, including groups like Planned Parenthood and Human Rights Watch, are rallying behind Clinton.

Clinton won the HRC endorsement despite the fact that Bernie Sanders' record of fighting for gay marriage goes back decades, whereas Clinton opposed gay marriage until a few years ago when polling suggested it was less politically risky to support it.

The good news for Bernie fans is that their candidate appears to be preparing for a long primary fight, and there is always a chance that Hillary will be indicted when the FBI concludes its investigation into her unusual email practices. In response to new revelations that Hillary's private, unsecured email server contained some of the most highly sensitive intelligence information, the Clinton campaign offered a compelling, conspiratorial defense:

Some things never change.