SCENE
A luxury suite at the Metropol in Moscow. One wall is covered with ikons of the Theotokos, St. Athanasius, St. Nicholas, and Lenin. Beneath the holy images sweet incense rises from a gilt lamp emblazoned with scenes from the confrontation between Michael I Cerularius and Pope Leo IX. TRUMP and PUTIN sit opposite one another in ornate chairs upholstered with hunting scenes in a Russian folk style. Between them sits a tray of white gold caviar and bottle of Heinz ketchup. TRUMP squirts the bottle on to a silver spoonful of the caviar.
TRUMP:
I gotta say, Vlad, that is delicious. Like, out of this world stuff, like you wouldn’t believe. We have it at all of my hotels, of course.
PUTIN:
I am glad I was able to provide. American special import ketchup not so cheap under current terms trade. But let’s talk election and plan to defeat liberal menace and foe of Mother Russia also known as Witch Clinton.
TRUMP (lathering another spoonful of the caviar with his chosen condiment):
It’s gonna be beautiful. Huge. Just out of this world. You have the best people, of course. Ruthless, real killers. Professionals. We’re gonna rig this thing so hard. Snowden, Ed Snowden is just a wonderful human being. And tough. A mean SOB. Even I’m scared to look at him.
PUTIN:
So here is plan. First convince idiot son to meet to with fake operative for phony news of Clinton devil. Then bribe spymaster Comey for big lies and cheating and sports fan pervert Weiner for Internet gross message.
TRUMP:
That’s great, just great. But what if, you know, the liars get on to us. We have a tremendous problem with liars in my country: CNN, the New York Times. They lie so much that they lie even when they tell the truth. We have to cover this up, like, in a major way, okay?
PUTIN:
Sure, Don. This is best part. After win you first bomb Syria which set back glorious defender of Church and proto-martyr Bashir Assad and totally oppose Russian interest in Middle East, which is huge investment. Throw off scent. Then you pass sanctions bill that cost Russian economy billions.
TRUMP:
I like what I’m hearing, Vlad. I gotta tell ya.
PUTIN (rising):
Excuse me for moment. Must cense holy ikon.
PUTIN opens a drawer and removes a few lumps of charcoal, which he places in a jewel-encrusted gold lamp. Using a silver cigarette lighter emblazoned with the initials DJMC, he sets fire to lumps and places the lid on the lamp before walking over to the icons. Suspending the lamp from a chain, he swings it back and forth over the image of Lenin and mutters a few words of Old Church Slavonic.
Thank you, Don. Have you holy ikons in America?
TRUMP:
Yes, tremendously. Carl is a very dear friend. And smart.
PUTIN:
In Orthodox Church we do not revere St. Karl, so-called "Great," of France.
(He spits.)
Latin rationalist. But back to plan. After declare sanction we kick all American diplomat out of Russia. Seven hundred of them, maybe more. We declare counter sanction, cost big money for Russia and United States. No good for anyone. Hurt bottom line. Then you send basketball coach St. Michael Pence to Russian borderlands. St. Michael Pence make threats against Russia, commitments to fight. We bring relations closer to war than since I was in KGB before end of Cold War.
TRUMP:
It’ll work like a dream. They won’t know what hit ‘em.
PUTIN:
Bring Russia and United States relations to all-time low is perfect cover and also 100 percent in Russia interests, so important that we risk draw ire of entire world and extended proxy war in Ukraine and in elsewhere. Then hag Clinton favorite glossy magazine Washington Post say "Time for some game theory." We hate in Russia so much spouse of Beelzebub Clinton woman that we lose economy, credibility, stability to embarrass her. We fight war over insult because Russian bear never cower before weak American eagle—stupid bird, covered in feces, weak white feathers, never survive harsh winter in tiga. That also why we not send strong virile Russian babies for American adoption. By the way, I show you some time how we hunt in tiga many fierce creatures. You like hunt, Don?
TRUMP:
Totally, like, big league.