I don't know what will happen tonight. You don't know what will happen tonight. No one knows what will happen tonight. Not even the candidates know what will happen tonight. I'm 80 percent sure that Donald Trump just makes it up as he goes.
That being said: I have many predictions about what will happen tonight. Just because no one knows anything, it doesn't mean we can't pretend to know exactly what will happen.
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- Donald Trump will open the debate by demanding an apology from the press for its treatment of him; from his opponent for her treatment of Bill Clinton's victims; and from Rafael Cruz for his despicable actions at Dealey Plaza all those years ago.
- Hillary Clinton will open the debate by demanding an apology from the Republican field for failing to beat Trump. She will receive one from Ben Carson, who is seeking to cement his status as Greatest Surrogate Of All Time.
- Lester Holt will try to fact check something Donald Trump says, prompting Corey Lewandowski to jump out of the stands, rip Holt's arm off at the elbow, and beat him to death with it. Lewandowski will go to prison for violating the Endangered Species Act by killing the rarest of all beings: an African-American who works in the media, lives in New York, and is a registered Republican.
- BONUS FUTURE PREDICTION: President Trump's first act will be to pardon Corey Lewandowski for his many grabbing-related crimes.
- Hillary Clinton will have a coughing fit so severe that she passes out and hits her head. The network will cut to commercials and no analyst will ever mention it again because they're deathly afraid of incurring the wrath of Twitter's Peter Daou.
- Chris Christie will be arrested mid-debate for closing a bridge, literally the gravest crime any politician has ever committed.
- As Christie is frog-marched out, Barack Obama's official Twitter account will write "lol confidential emails lol DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT lol -bo."
- Trump will use the c-word.
- Frank Luntz's instapolling will show a massive downturn when he does this, because people instinctively know this is inappropriate.
- Trump's polls will nevertheless spike five points because he has cemented his role as a "brave truth-teller" amongst people who hate "social justice warriors."
- The Falcons will beat the Saints 24-23. In far more important news, The HuffinDonte Post will defeat The East Dillon Lions by more than 40 points. Eat it, Kotwicki and Dietter.
- Once Hillary is able to stand under her own power again and the debate resumes—approximately 138 minutes later—she'll say that Trump poisoned her water, possibly at the behest of Putin. This suggestion will lead the networks for the next 27 days.
- There will be no winners from this debate. Except, of course, for Jill Stein, the last sane person in the race.
- I will Google Jill Stein at some point during the race and regret the previous supposition.
- SMOD will mercifully end it all.