One doesn't officially become a legitimate presidential contender until supporters begin selling plush dolls bearing your likeness on the internet. President Donald J. Trump, the historically successful incumbent and frontrunner to win the 2020 general election, has "Trumpy Bear."
Bernie Sanders, the candidate Democrats should have nominated in 2016 instead of Hillary Clinton, has "Bernie Baby." It is being advertised as the perfect companion for family gatherings with your "uncle who posts questionable political content on social media."
How do the dolls measure up? And what can they tell us about the 2020 election? Let's find out.
Bernie Baby
- Species: Human (Elderly White Male)
- Height: 7.5 inches
- Hair: "Realistic, wispy"
- Attire: Rumpled suit, no tie, collar buttoned
- Tagline: "A fun way to express your progressive values"
- Cost: $30 ($24.99 on sale)
- Cape included? Yes - Basic Red
- Certificate of authenticity? No
Trumpy Bear
- Species: Powerful Grizzly Bear
- Height: 22 inches
- Hair: Impeccable
- Attire: Stunning bear/suit hybrid, long tie, spread collar
- Tagline: "Own a piece of history"
- Cost: Just two easy payments of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling)
- Cape included? Yes - "ultra cozy flag themed blanket"
- Certificate of authenticity? Yes
FINAL VERDICT: Not surprisingly, Trumpy Bear is the superior plush doll in terms of species, height, hair, attire, tagline, cost, cape, and authenticity. The disparity is enough to suggest that Trump would easily defeat Sanders in a general election should the aging socialist win the Democratic nomination.
What about Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren? Don't they have dolls, too? The answer is yes. The Cabbage Patch Kids debuted a special election-themed line of dolls in 2012 featuring Biden, Barack Obama, and Republicans Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Biden's does not resemble the former vice president as much as it does Archie Bunker, the problematic dad from All in the Family. Obama's doll, meanwhile, looks like a fat nerd.
The less said about this Elizabeth Warren doll, the better.
